Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
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Have you ever been called Mom by a child that’s not yours? Say for instance you’re a babysitter, nanny, or Aunt and your spend a lot of time with them. But instead of calling you by your name or title, they refer to you as Mom or Mommy?
A fellow Aunt recently reached out to me about this very topic. She felt guilty that her niece has been calling her Mommy, especially since she’s been doing in front of her actual Mother. Has that ever happened to you?
Though I know that this is normal behavior for children, I wanted to learn why. Many caregivers and extended family members are mistakenly called Mom at one point by a child they see regularly. It has the potential to make Moms feel inadequate, angry, and sad. This also puts the caregiver or family member in an awkward position of feeling guilty, strange, and possibly uneasy.
Why Do Kids Call Someone Else Mommy?
I tried to do some research online about this topic but became up empty-handed. Luckily, my sister is a Licensed Clinical Social worker and her husband is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Sometimes family is better than Google!
I reached out to my sister, Perryn Gutkowski, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I asked her why some kids call other people Mommy instead of by their actual name or title.
According to Perryn, “It’s because children typically look to their Mom as the caregiver. It’s an expression of “I know you’re gonna take care of me.” They’re not thinking about it – they just want their needs to be met and to be comforted. And they know that Mommy is the one that usually takes care of that.”
She goes on to further explain that children, especially the younger ones have limited resources, i.e. words. So they’re just explaining to the world that they need help. “When we have limited resources – like words – we go to the first possible thing that will get the problem solved – Mom.”
My brother in law, Dr. Pius Ojevwe, Certified Clinical and Forensic Psychologist took a similar position. He stated:
“The concept of “mommy” is intrinsically predicated upon the quality of the attachment relationship that is developed over time between a child and a caregiver. The emotional bond or a sense of safety that emerges from repeated positive experiences of love and affection, comfort, and validations from the protective caregiver are principle ingredients to the internalization of the concept of “mommy” or “daddy.” Hence, a child may refer to a close family member as a “mommy” based on the presence of these inherent needs.”
In summary, they don’t think you’re their Mommy, they just love you like they love their Mommy.
How Does It Feel To Be Called Mommy?
As someone who’s not a Mom, I can say that it’s a bit awkward the first time I was called Mom. It’s more prevalent in younger children who are just learning to talk. This phase usually ends by age 3. However, my niece and nephews ages, 9, 6, and 4 STILL mistakenly call me Mommy when they need something.
I’m a Mother figure, as many Aunts and caregivers are to children. It’s a compliment to hear and know that underneath it all, being called Mom really means they trust me. That they love. And that they feel safe when they’re around me.
Why They Should Learn to not call others Mommy?
I don’t think that many people would want to be called Mommy if they’re not the Mom. And it’s quite natural to correct someone when they use the wrong name.
Nevertheless, I asked Perryn whether or not it’s recommended for kids to be corrected when they mistakenly refer to another person as Mommy. She said “They should be corrected. It’s not that they’re doing something wrong. However, to guide them in their understandings of boundaries and roles, they should not be encouraged to call you Mommy.”
My nieces and nephews were corrected when they were little. And now as a result, when they call me Mommy, they correct themselves. It takes time, but since boundaries were established, they eventually get it.
Should Moms Be Upset By Their Child Calling Someone Else Mommy?
It’s not anyone’s place to tell you how you should feel about something. It may sting a bit to hear your child say “Mommy” to someone else. However, hopefully, there is some peace in knowing that it’s not a threat. Nor is it a reflection of how the child feels towards their Mother. It simply means that they feel safe around the other person they are calling Mommy.
How To Get Kids To Stop Calling Other People Mommy
A child should never be made to feel like they’re doing something wrong for making a mistake like using the wrong word or name. Instead of being firm or harsh with them, I would suggest taking a softer approach so that the behavior is corrected naturally.
Some suggestions:
- Speak about yourself in the third person
For example, it’s always a good idea to talk a lot around children to help develop their vocabulary and encourage speech. Speak your actions, your thoughts, and desires out loud and in the third person.
My niece and nephews call me Bitay. So when they were little I’d say things like “Bitay needs some water.” “Can you share that with Bitay?” “Would you like to go to the park with Bitay?”
Children need repetition to learn. The more you use it, the faster they’ll pick up on it.
- Encourage others to use names
When we’re familiar with people we don’t usually refer to them by title. We just speak directly to them or call them by their first name. But when you want to teach a child, you should use the proper titles and/or names when addressing other adults.
- Play a face recognition game
If you’re alone with the child, I’d suggest using pictures to connect names to faces. Even if they don’t have words, they can still point.
Take out your phone or photo album and see if they can tell you who each person is. “Is this Mommy?” “Where’s Mommy?” “Where’s Daddy?” “Can you find Uncle Bubba?” “Which one is Nonna?” “Where’s Pop Pop?” etc. etc.
If you’re not alone and there are several familiar faces in the room, ask him or her to run to the person that you call out.
If they make a mistake or several, it’s okay. They’re learning and there’s no way to learn without making mistakes. Laugh it off and continue on. Eventually, they’ll get it.
I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading this article. You might also want to read:
Great post! As a teacher, I myself have been called Mommy (and even a grandma once or twice lol). I think not only should moms not see this as a threat, in many ways it is actually a compliment! If they are calling someone else mommy when they are in need of something, that means the first person they think of to get their needs met is you, their Momma! So I really think this is actually a sign of good attachment. 🙂
In my roles as teacher/tutor/aunt/mentor, I have had this happen many times. I never correct a child, because the little ones are almost always unaware of what they have just said. Even if another child notices, the moment passes quickly. The older ones sometimes realize and correct/laugh over it. I haven’t had it happen in front of moms, and I do keep it to myself, just as an affirmation that the child has reached a point in their relationship in which they feel very safe with me.
Absolutely. It’s a compliment 😁
What if the aunt is teaching my son to call her Mommy? And she knows it bothers me. What kind of behavior is this ?
Hi Natasha,
That’s completely different. That is a boundary that you need to set with the Aunt. She can have a nickname other than Aunt, but Mommy is intentionally reserved for you. A child unintentionally calling someone else’s Mommy was the purpose of this article. I could understand your frustration.
My 5 year old cousin has been calling me mommy these past few months. I am pretty sure its because I’ve been helping him with his online classes but it doesn’t fail to make me feel awkward. He mostly says it when his actual mother is not present, but it has happened once or twice. I’ve tried the third person thing, but it hasn’t worked for me. I still do it sometimes, but lately I just let him be. He knows what my name is, he simply likes to call me that after classes. By the time we stop the… Read more »
It’ll click for him eventually. It’s completely normal and it should be flattering (though awkward) that he feels that comfortable with you.
I had a child over for the weekend (4years old) – I also have 2 girls of my own 4 years and 7 years. The child has been calling me mom the whole weekend – I have corrected him a few times then he gets angry at me – I also think that he heard it from my girls as that is all they call me. The problem is he went home and is now crying to go back to mommy . I do not know how to handle this, the mom is furious with me, and the more I… Read more »
Hi Hendrika, I’m sorry you had to go through this. Sometimes doing your best is the only thing you can do and it seems to me now is one of those times. You were obviously a very nurturing and caring person toward this child and made him feel safe. You did your job of taking care of him, you corrected him, and you informed the mother. Everything else is out of your control. People are going to feel how they’re going to feel, and maybe this mother feels threatened because her child is calling someone else Mommy. And I hate… Read more »
I believe child who call other people mom is usually working mother’s. My daughter has 6 children and only the oldest called mom, because I had her more then my daughter. All her other children called me grandma because she made sure to be the mom til they were old enough to know mom had to go to work. I have 5 children they only called me mom. Mom’s that go to work and when they are not at work they go out or business trips tend to leave their child a lot they start calling others mom because they… Read more »
I am a grandparent of a 7 year old whom I look after permanently. He has started calling us mama and Dada. He calls his parents mommy and daddy but our son (his biological dad) is very upset. Should we stop him doing this or is it normal , We’ve had him since he was 2.?
Hi Mandy, Without knowing much detail about your situation, I would say it’s normal for him to confuse you for his parents. However, I wouldn’t encourage the behavior. I would suggest talking about yourself in the 3rd person and by your respective titles. For example, “can you help grandma with this?” Or “Is grandpa going to do your homework with you?” My nephew is 7 and he confuses me, his mother, and his grandmother all the time. It’s not because he doesn’t know who we are. But rather, he knows that if he needs something, that’s who he goes to… Read more »
[…] to The Enchanted Aunt, Perryn Gutkowski, a licensed clinical social worker, echoed this sentiment. She called it an […]
[…] to The Enchanted Aunt, Perryn Gutkowski, a licensed clinical social worker, echoed this sentiment. She called it an […]
I’m so glad I found this. I’m in a pretty unique situation. My sister died when my nephew was 9 but I’ve had him on and off throughout his life due to her addiction he’s always accidentally called me mommy and I’ve corrected him and told him I could never replace her. Now I have him forever and he has more frequently and recently called me mom by accident or without realizing it and no longer corrects himself. I’m not even sure if I should correct him because he had a mom yes but he still needs one and I’m… Read more »
Hi Emily, thank you so much for contacting me. I’m very happy to hear this information was useful. As for you situation, I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your sister. That is tragic and my heart goes out to and your family. I would agree that this is a unique situation. However, I think it would be helpful for you to view it more through the eyes of an adoption situation. The mothers aren’t biological, but they are still referred to as Mom. Theres a birth mother and an adoptive mother. Since you are acting as his… Read more »
Someone’s child call you mom this means your blessing by God💓💓that’s means child and caregiver have strong bond🌹🌹
Agreed! It’s a bonding syndicator 🙂
Yes, but what if the children are complete strangers? I frequently have children I’ve never seen or met before yell “mama” in an excited tone when they see me. I’m embarrassed because they have always been white children and I’m a women of color. It’s adorable but I get strange looks from their parents. They even run up to me grab and huge my leg. They’re so excited and I can’t stop them. I usually just smile at them. The parents just stand there looking baffled! My real concern is it may cause confusion between a couple at some point.… Read more »
My son and grandchildren had been living with me for years. I have three granddaughters and a grandson he is 5 years now. His mother has nothing to do with him and my son has custody, my grandson when he started talking has called me Mommy he knows that I’m not his real mom. So we have let him calling me Mommy all time. My son has moved and out be a year and my son is now telling my grandson he isn’t to call mommy anymore and he has to call his wife MOM. My grandson still lives with… Read more »
Hi Felicia, I’m so sorry to hear this is has been going on with you and your family. My heart goes out to you. I agree that this confusion can have an emotional impact on your grandson. If I were you, I’d let continuously let your grandson know that what he calls you doesn’t matter and that you love him more than there are words are in the world. It’s a very complicated situation and I know that there is no simple fix. However, i think focusing on the love and nurturing him while you’re still living together is an… Read more »
I raised my great neice to the age of 3….when her absent bio father finally got custody…..her mother is also absent she is an addict. The bio dad is angry that she calls me mommy….I’m the only mom she has ever known. He wants me to correct her… she has lost her entire family and moved 3 hours away….he is single…..and very immature…..he doesn’t seem to grasp her need to call me mommy still….I get one weekend a month. She has had her life turned upside down…..and it is devastating for our family…..he says it isn’t fair to “him” or… Read more »
I think the expression of love should outweigh any titles. Everyone’s life experiences are different and we just have to do our best to provide the best support for the children in our lives. Calling you mommy doesn’t mean you’re her mommy, it just simply means she sees you as the person who will fulfill that need. Babysitters, teachers, daycare operators all get called mommy and most aren’t blood related. It’s devastating that your great niece is growing up without her biological mother. She needs to know you love her and will be there for her through these difficult circumstances.… Read more »
There is an actual term for this. It would be the same if a child called all dogs “max” because their dogs name is Max….anyone know the word for this?