How can I be a good aunt?

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Dana Gutkowski

I am the mother of none, but the very proud Aunt to four beautiful children. I did absolutely no work to create them, but I will do everything in my power to help raise them.

Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)

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Ever wonder how you’re doing as an Aunt?  Do you ask yourself, how can I be a good Aunt? Not just have the title, but also be proud to call yourself their Aunt? What does it take to be a good Aunt to your nieces and nephews?

This is a question I’m asked a lot, but unfortunately, there isn’t a clear answer to this very complicated question. It’s not like there’s a magical formula or a recipe you can find on Pinterest to become the best Aunt ever. It all boils down to you. So instead of googling, “How can I be a good Aunt?” I suggest asking yourself this first, “What kind of Aunt do I want to be?” That’s where I can help.

Aunts

Let’s first start off with what an Aunt is. If you look at the Meriam Webster dictionary, you’ll find two definitions:

1: the sister of one’s father or mother 2: the wife of one’s uncle or aunt

Technically this is true based on genealogy, but more modern times have come to expand this definition in culture and so I don’t fully agree with it. I believe that there can be Aunts by choice. These are women not related by blood or marriage but hold love and affection in their hearts for a child. This loving feeling gives them the honorary title of Aunt.

It doesn’t matter if you agree with this or not – the fact of the matter is these women exist. And for the purposes of this article, I’m speaking to both categories. Relation or no relation, if you call yourself an Aunt, you are one.

Either way, as an Aunt by relation or choice, you’re not the parent of the child you love. You’re an outside force with a lot of influence if you so choose to take on the task. Though I highly recommend it, there isn’t a legal or even moral obligation. You choose to be an Aunt and hold that love no matter if you’ve married into the family, are a close friend, or are related by blood.

If you’ve become an Aunt, but don’t have children of your own, it usually goes one of two ways: It’s second nature and a breeze. Or, it’s a bit confusing, and you need a little help. Most will experience both scenarios at least once as their journey through Aunthood unfolds. Even if you are a parent, children are confusing because they’re rapidly changing. It’s hard to keep up.

So what are some steps you can take to become a good Aunt?

No matter which side of the coin you land on, if it’s a breeze or a struggle, you are most likely putting forth efforts to maintain an active role in their lives. The younger you start, the stronger the bond you’ll form with your niece and nephew. The fact that you’re reading this article means you’re dedicated because you’re doing the research to find out how to be a good Aunt.

But it’s not just about them though. There are benefits for you too! I’ve been an Aunt for 15+ years now. So far, I have to say it’s been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. A new version of myself was born the day I was crowned with the title of Aunt and I continue to reshape who I am to become a better person. Children are mirrors. They’ll reflect all of your good and bad qualities right back at you – so if you see something you don’t like, chances are it’s something in their environment contributing to that. The keyword is contributing – if you’re an active Aunt you’re influencing them. It’s not all about you, but you ARE part of the whole.

I look at Aunthood as a long-term investment, like my savings account or 401k. The more I put in, the more I get in return with compound interest. Sometimes the market takes a dip, or I can’t contribute as much as I’d like, but overall, there’s slow steady growth.

You’ll grow as your nieces and nephews grow, but adaptability is key to your success.

Types of Aunts

There’s no one size fits all when it comes to becoming an Aunt or a good Aunt for that matter. Just like I can’t tell you what soup to order for an appetizer, or if you are hungry enough to eat an appetizer in the first place, I also can’t tell you how to be the Aunt you want to be. However, I can break down the different types of Aunts that I believe exist. Take into mind that you may waiver between ALL of these, depending on age, life circumstances, and relationship to their parents at any given time.

Disclaimer:

Please take into mind, that I am not speaking about the women who have the title of Aunt but choose not to have a relationship with their nieces and nephews. You are not my audience, and though I feel for you and your hardships, I’m not speaking to you here. I will not reply to your hate mail, or allow you to flood my post with negative commentary. Whatever your reasoning for not having a relationship with your family, I’m sure it’s legitimate and heart-wrenching and I wish you the best. This is about the women who want, have, or are planning to have a relationship with their nieces and nephews.

Mommy Aunt:

The mommy Aunt usually uses phrases like “I love them like my own.” And she truly means it. These women often don’t have children, but if they do they adopt them into their existing pack of cubs. They have the mentality of “We’re all in this together!”

For my example, let’s just say that these women don’t have children. The Mommy Aunt will bake, cook, have sleepovers, show up to school events, dance recitals, sporting events, and even take her nieces and nephews on vacation if possible. She goes out of her way to include her nieces and nephews in her life as much as possible. The Mommy Aunt is engaging, asks questions about their scheduling to fit it into hers, and most importantly, follows through with it.

The Mommy Aunt is the second mom. They often go out of their way to help the biological Mom however they can. Children are never a walk in the park and Mommy Aunts are willing and able to take on the responsibility of helping out whenever they can.

Mommy Aunts are just that – like a Mom only you’re the Aunt. Your nieces and nephews are often mistaken for your own children because of the level of comfort and the amount of love shared between you two. It’s seen by others, and therefore, they’re mistakenly thought to be your children. However, outsiders are not wrong about the bond. Children can have a slip of the tongue and call these Aunts, “Mommy” because they feel safe. See my post on “Why Children Call Someone Else Mom” for more information on the psychology behind it.

It’s also important to note that these Aunts have good working relationships with the mother of the child or children. You can’t expect there to be a good relationship with young children if you aren’t on good terms with their parents. It just doesn’t work, the need for mothers is far too important and influential on children. So if you plan on being a Mommy Aunt, or you like the sound of it, take a mental evaluation of how well your relationship is with the parents of your niece and nephew.

Mommy Aunts will:

Get dirty – clean butts, wipe noses, and washed vomit off their shirts on more than one ocassion.

Raise their voice: Being an Aunt is not always pretty, but you know that correcting bad behavior is necessary. You’ll make up later, but the tone of your voice had to change in order for the child to know you meant business.

Engage in “Mom Talk”. When taking your niece or nephew to the park, supermarket, playground, etc, you’ll inevitably run into Moms. Mommy Aunts know the latest toys, must-see movies, reached milestones, the literal pain of stepping on a Lego barefoot, the struggles of needing a break, etc. This is because you’re choosing to play the part, even if it’s for a couple of hours. You can get a taste of what it’s like to be a Mom and you willingly go back for more.

Now this is part is up to you – do you want to be that Aunt? If so, tag along with Mom, ask to babysit, take your niece or nephew out to the park, ask them over to play, watch a movie, go out to dinner. Make space in your house for them! That means have a bin of their toys when they come over. Have art supplies readily available. Invest in some books to read to them. It all depends on their age, but the point is, make an effort to be in their life. The sooner you start, the better. Ask the Mom how she needs helps. This will give you more time with the children and offer her support which she will inevitably need.

Cheerleader Aunt

The Cheerleader Aunt is the one that’s literally cheering on her nieces and nephews at every stage of life. From their first words to their wedding procession, these women are on the front lines beeming with pride.

Taking on the role of the second Mom might be a little too heavy for her. But nonetheless, there’s love there. She’s got pep! She’s proud! She announces to the crowd, ” THAT’S MY NEPHEW!” or ” THAT’S MY NIECE!”

She’s present at all the big events, birthday parties, holidays, school graduations, but may not be present for more day-to-day activities. And that’s okay, there’s no need for guilt or shame. She’s showing up when she knows she can be her best and give her best. She’s honest with herself and her abilities. Maybe she has a high-demanding job, her social life takes priority, or geographically she lives too far away. It doesn’t matter the reason why. What does matter is she’s still making efforts to show support for her nieces and nephews.

The Cheerleader Aunt will:

Attend big events like birthday parties – usually arriving with an enormous smile and equally large gift to show how much she loves her niece or nephew.

Post on her social media about her nieces and nephews – the world needs to know how proud she is to be an Aunt and what her nieces and nephews are accomplishing.

Bring up the topic of her niece and nephews with friends – even though she can’t always be there, it doesn’t mean she’s not constantly thinking of them. Others will hear about awards, accomplishments, milestones, etc.

Is this you? Are you the Cheerleader Aunt? Or does this sound like you’re up for his level of responsibility? Ask Mom about upcoming events that you know you can commit to. Bring your pom-poms either literally or metaphorically, and show your support. Long-distance Aunts, I suggest you ask to FaceTime at the event so you can at least get a glimpse of the action. Ask for pictures in between seeing your niece or nephew, and check-in regularly via text (with Mom or with the child depending on their age). However, when you are physically present, take time to spend one on one time with your niece or nephew. Even if just for an hour.

Party Aunt

The party Aunt shows up at all the parties. She’s a more mellow version of the Cheerleader Aunt. Party Aunts are fun, talkative, playful, but don’t have much to do with the kids outside of major events. She doesn’t really get kids but may want a better relationship as they get older. Their first sip of alcohol might come from hanging with the party Aunt.

That doesn’t mean she loves her nieces or nephews any less because she doesn’t spend much time with them. She may not be great with kids, or at least doesn’t think she is. It’s just what works for her. She’s got a lot on her plate, and she enjoys showing up for the parties. Though she needs a reminder on her phone that their birthdays are coming up so that she can schedule an Amazon delivery in time.

This Aunt doesn’t usually go to special events like recitals, games, or holidays, but rather if there’s a house party, birthday party, or other large gatherings, she’s there. She’s more distant than the Cheerleader and Mommy Aunt. She needs more adult time than kid time.

Party Aunts like their space and freedom, but when it comes time to party, she’s all in. She doesn’t have as intimate of a relationship with her nieces and nephews as many others. It’s more of a guessing game when it comes time to buying her nieces or nephews gifts. It’s best to turn to their Mom for this information, but she’s often the one googling “what do eight-year-old girls like?”

The Party Aunt will:

Show up at the party with a check or gift card. No judgment here, cash is king. When parents don’t feel like buying their child another tub of Play-Doh that’ll dry out by the end of the day. Or even a new pair of jeans for their teenagers that have to have the latest and greatest of everything – the party Aunt saves the day.

Not have a close relationship with the parents of her nieces and nephews. I say this because when people have children relationships change. When you’re a single woman with no kids of your own or any future plans of having one, relationships tend to dwindle. This Aunt could still be of blood relation, but she keeps her distance cause she’s got her own thing going on. It doesn’t mean that she’s not friendly with them. She may or may not, but nevertheless, she’s usually the one that only shows up to parties. And if she does have children, she’s involved in their lives so much that she doesn’t have the time to spend with her nieces and nephews.

Do you want to be the party Aunt? It’s pretty simple, show up when invited. There’s no shame in this relationship. You could bond with your nieces and nephews when they get older and they’re into more “adult things”. Put reminders on your phone so you remember that their birthdays are coming up. Bonus points if you have it repeating every year with text displaying the year they were born so you know how old they’re turning. Shoot them a text, make a phone call, FaceTime, etc. But if your putting in the bare minimum, make sure you’re consistent with it. That’ll make you a good Party Aunt.

Cool Aunts

This is usually the Aunt title that every Aunt strives to be. I think it’s mainly because it sounds good. Some adults have LAME tattooed to their foreheads. It’s invisible to the naked eye, but kids see and sense everything. So if you’ve got that lame energy, they sense it from a mile away. Cool Aunts know this, but most importantly they don’t TRY to be the cool Aunt. They have confidence and don’t question their motives for doing something. They show up, follow through, have goals, ambitions, talents, and have great stories to share. Cool Aunts are very good role models. They remember what it’s like to be a child and can tap into that energy, but remain level-headed at the same time. It’s all about balance.

Want to be the Cool Aunt? It’s really simple yet difficult. To be a cool Aunt, you can’t judge. There’s huge a difference between concern and judgment. The Cool Aunt knows that running with scissors is a bad idea and therefore corrects it, but she doesn’t put down the child for making a poor decision. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE makes poor decisions, including you and me. I think what makes the cool Aunt so attractive to children is her ability to stay calm. Much easier said than done.

The Cool Aunt will:

Download apps on their phone for their nieces and nephews. Kids want to play with phones, so might as well find a way to play with them. You can put limits on it, but don’t deny them the ability to learn and adapt to the times. Let’s face it, no matter how much you think that technology will not affect you, it will. You’re affected by interacting or not interacting. You’re either hindered by not changing with the times, or you’re right on par and going with the flow. I suggest going with the flow. The only true constants in life are change.

Keep a cool head when arguing with their nieces and nephews. Cool Aunts might get upset but they can snap out of it because they can put into perspective the age of the child. They remove themselves either physically or emotionally to protect themselves first so they can be a better example for the child.

Never stop learning. Cool Aunts can adapt and learn about what new songs their nieces and nephews are into. It doesn’t matter if it’s the Baby Shark song or the new hit by Ariana Grande. Cool Aunts stay relevant to the age of the child, and if they don’t know, they find out. YouTubers are inside their heads – so they watch with them to see what they’re into these days. The best way to learn is to spend time with the kids. They’ll keep you in “the know” better than google.

Not judge. I said this before, but it’s really the key to being the Cool Aunt. Instagram and TikTok are where all the kids hang out at the time of this post, but that doesn’t mean it will be this way in 6 months. However, if your niece is posting risque pictures to her stories (which disappear after 24 hours), yes, you can say something, but not with judgment. There are reasons why she feels like she needs or wants to do this, find out why. Have a heart-to-heart conversation about it, encourage self-respect, give examples of your own life, but don’t, I repeat DO NOT judge for the behavior.

Not stereotype. If your nephew wants to play with barbies and bake cookies in his easy bake oven, Cool Aunts don’t say “those are girls toys.” If your niece wants to throw a football around or build a wrestling ring out of legos, let her. You should never stifle the creativity of a child. Let them be who they feel they are inside.

So What Type of Aunt are you?

I’ve thrown a lot of information out at you to try to categorize the different types of Aunts that I have witnessed and experienced in my own interactions with my nieces and nephews. However, that doesn’t mean that you have to fall into any one category all the time. If you’re anything like me, and hate titles this will be a relief. Titles feel constrictive. Like that one descriptive pronoun defines my entire personality and claims my identity. Ugh. Gross.

The good news is, you can take from any of these examples, and be the Aunt you want to be. Living up to the standards that you have set for yourself means you can go from being a good Aunt to being a great Aunt. Know your abilities, your limits, your family dynamics, and adjust as your nieces and nephews grow older. You want to be a good Aunt? Great! Today is the day to start because no one gets good at anything before they put in the work.

Let me know in the comments below if you’re up for the task or if you think you’re more so like one type of Aunt than the other. I can’t wait to hear from you!