The Struggles Of Aunthood and Tips to Overcome Them

It’s an honor to call ourselves Aunts.  Some of us have been crowned this title by relation and others by choice.  No matter the origin of your Aunthood, there are struggles that will inevitably come along with our roles. 

Know this: These are only struggles, not hopeless circumstances.  You’re not alone. With some effort, there are ways of getting through them. Here’s my list of the struggles with Aunthood and tips to overcome them.

What are the struggles with Aunthood?

1.) Missing Your Sibling/Friend/Relative

The baby has finally arrived, you’re an Aunt now!  Hooray!  You can’t wait to share this experience with the Mom or Dad who’s made you into this Aunt! 

Ah, but now the reality of parenting has settled in for them too.  They’re struggling with new responsibilities and trying to pave a new path for their family.  It’s no longer so easy to pick up the phone to chat for an hour or head out for an impromptu adventure.

And when you want to get to spend time together, it must coincide with the child’s schedule.  You’ve now lost the freedom in your relationship and your on-demand friendship.

Tip 1:

Give it time.  I’ve witnessed my sister, cousins and many friends struggle with Parenthood.  I still miss our old relationships, but I’ve also fortunately formed new ones with them. 

You can still have your one on one time, but you have to voice your desire for it. They miss you too, but they’re raising a family now and priorities have changed. Never give up on the old relationship. 

Reach out to them as often as possible and with time, you’ll find your groove again.  This may take several months or even years, but nevertheless, if you stick with them, they’ll stick with you.

2.) Explaining how deep and true your love for your niblings is to other people.

We’ve all heard, and maybe you’ve even said yourself “I love them like they were my own”, right?  But somehow even those words feel too shallow. 

I hear this mostly from Aunts with no children of their own. Sometimes it’s hard to describe the emotion and put your feelings into words. You say “I love them so much and would do anything for them.”, but somehow you’re still met with a blank stare on the other end. 

I’m not sure why this is.  Maybe the word love is thrown around too much.

Tip 2:

Let it go.  Forget about the ones that just don’t get it.  Does it really matter if someone understands your love for another? 

For whatever reason we want EVERYONE to understand, but in reality, they don’t need to.  Don’t hold your tongue when it comes to expressing your feelings.  Express yourself, but do so without the expectation of always being understood. 

If you have a close relationship with your niblings, they surely know it through your words, actions, and embraces.  It’s most important that your niblings understand how you feel, not the outsiders looking in.

3.) Being so far away and saying goodbye.

This is the worst.  I’m a Long Distance Aunt (LDA) and I think I can speak for most of us when I say the absolute worst part of a visit from your nieces and nephews is when we have to say goodbye.  There will most likely be a long stretch of time before you’ll be able to hug them again.  When this realization settles in, emotional pain turns into a physical one.

Tip 3:

Try to be strong for the kids if they’re having a rough time leaving.  Once they’re gone, allow yourself to feel your pain and realize why it’s there.  The fact that you’re experiencing grief means that there’s love there to begin with. 

Savor the time that you have together while you have it.  Be grateful that you have these relationships.  The pain between visits can be occasionally muted with FaceTime or Skype (THANK YOU TECHNOLOGY!).  It doesn’t compare to actually being in the same room, but it’s certainly better than nothing.

4.) Letting their parents be parents.

Everyone has an opinion, and sometimes it’s hard to hold yours in even when you should.  I think many women would also agree, the struggle to resist your urge to immediately jump in and “fix” a problem you see occurring (especially if the nibling is crying).   I find this especially true when I see a parent fighting with their child.

Tip 4:

This is a tough one that requires a lot of good judgment and you won’t always get it right.  Don’t act, react, or butt-in immediately unless it’s completely necessary. 

Parents are going to fight with their children.  It hurts to see your nibling crying, and of course, you want to make it stop, but parents need to parent and sometimes that means letting the children cry. 

If the parent puts the child in time out or sends them to their room, don’t interrupt.  If the argument is more severe because they’re older, or you feel as though the parent or nibling is getting too emotional, don’t offer a solution with a lot of words.  That can make it worse. 

Sometimes they just need a break from one another before they can be reasoned with or an argument can be settled.  Without commenting on the argument, suggest some space.  Offer to go for a walk with one of them or invite one into a different room.  Let them vent if need be.  Sometimes we don’t want advice, we just want to be heard by someone who will listen.

5.) Balancing that fine line between not overstepping your boundaries and disagreeing with the parents.

This is similar to number 4 yet different.  You could be disagreeing with how your niece or nephew are being raised at times.

Tip 5:

Use your judgment and pick your battles.  Good intentions aren’t always met with open ears.  Many times when you make a comment on someone’s parenting style, all they hear is “This is why you’re a bad parent.” 

BUT if you are in a circumstance where you feel like you need to speak up for yourself or defend your nibling, express how you feel without judgment towards the parent.  Just because they’re parents doesn’t mean they’re always right.  Timing, tone, and how frequent your suggestions are made are something to always consider.

6.)  Not playing favorites!

There’s a running joke in my family about playing favorites.  My sister was the first born so she was of course “Daddy’s little girl.” Then came my brother.  My Mom is Italian, need I say more?  And then came me.  I’m nobody’s favorite. 

And although we always joke about this, I can see why and how this happens.  When I only had one niece this was never an issue.  Everything was about her.  There was no need to play the balancing act. 

Fast forward 12 years and now I have 4 nibs of all different ages and needs.  I know 4 isn’t THAT many (my sister has 30 from my brother-in-law’s side), but it’s enough to make my head spin sometimes.

Tip 6:

There’s no pleasing everyone.  And if you try to, you’ll wind up pleasing no one (including yourself). 

If they’re upset, I’d suggest tending to the one that’s youngest or crying the hardest first and work your way down. 

When it comes to “just us” time,  do your best to do something special with them at some point during each year. I try to stick to the motto “If I do it for one, I will do it for all.” but that doesn’t necessarily mean at the same time.

One size does not fit all, but it’s pretty safe to say most will want your time.  Deciding on how that time is spent is up to you and your nibling.

7.) Not spoiling them (too much).

I haven’t dug deep into the history books, but I bet somewhere out there there’s a handbook for extended family members.  And if I ever find it, I’m sure that the first rule would be “Give them whatever they want (within in reason).”  Sometimes it’s just hard to say no! Who’s with me?

Tip 7:

Alright, so we are going to spoil them and they’re going to get special attention from us.  However, parents have to deal with the brunt of it, so we shouldn’t make their lives more difficult. 

Ask for the “ok” before buying anything or inviting them to do anything that might teeter on the scale of “too much.”  I don’t even introduce an idea to my niblings if I don’t get the go ahead.  Do I break this rule sometimes?  Of course, because I‘m an Aunt.

I’m an active Aunt, not a perfect one.  I make mistakes just like everyone else.  And even though I wrote the list of struggles, and tips to overcome them, I still struggle.  Life is one big balancing act no matter which hat you’re wearing.  Tackle every struggle of Aunthood one day at a time and be patient with the results.

What are your thoughts?  Have you struggled with any of these things as an Aunt or Uncle?  Think I missed something?  Let me know in the comments below!

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