Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
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What do you do when you’re not picked to be the godparent to your niece or nephew?
Do you have a special relationship with your sister, brother, in-laws, or best friend, yet you weren’t picked to be the godparent to their child?
Not being chosen in any circumstance hurts your ego. You’re left wondering, why not me? How come I wasn’t the one?
So you’re not picked as the godparent, and now you find yourself in a position where you feel rejected. Yet, something in you just knows you’ll make a great godparent. You always thought you’d be their first choice, yet they still went in another direction. So what do you do?
Before we get into that, let’s first exam what a godparent is and what the role really means in today’s society.
What is a godparent? A godparent’s role depends on each family’s dynamic and culture.
In some cases, it’s simply an honorary role where someone is picked to bear witness to a child’s baptism. Then after the baptism, pictures, party, and it’s all over.
In other cases, it’s taken more seriously and the godparent is held to a higher standard and is expected to play an integral role in the child’s upbringing.
Neither is right or wrong. It’s simply a matter of how each family chooses to view the godparent role. In most cases, parents choose people that they believe will be involved in their child’s life for a long time, whether or not it be for spiritual or religious reasons.
There is no legal obligation for a godparent to be involved in a child’s life. Theoretically, should something ever happen to the parent of the child, it’s ceremoniously understood that the godparents would step in to fill the parents’ shoes to the best of their abilities. So most parents don’t choose just anyone to become their child’s godparent.
Reasons why you might not be chosen.
I wasn’t chosen to be the godmother to my niece Layla even though my sister and I are best friends and she knows I’d do anything for her no matter what. However, there were more factors to consider.
1.) Family size and dynamics
I’m the youngest of three children, my sister being the oldest, then my brother, and then little ole me. I wasn’t chosen because of the pecking order of the family. My brother being older than me meant that he would come before me simply based on age.
I’ve been dealing with that my entire life. I’m okay with that.
2.) In-laws
My brother-in-law is 1 of 8 kids! He has a lot of family members to choose from, having 2 sisters and 5 brothers plus all of their spouses. So there’s something else to consider. It’s not just about your immediate family, it’s about their in-law’s family too. Layla’s godparents wound up being my brother and a sister-in-law.
3.) Sometimes couples are preferred.
If you’re single or not married, parents might not look to you to become the godparent to their child. In cases where they expect the godparents to step up and take their place should something happen, some might want to have a couple already in place to fill their role. It doesn’t mean that that couple will necessarily stay together forever or that you wouldn’t make great godparents. However, they’re trying to make the best decision for their child based on current circumstances.
4. Religious purposes
If you’re not a religious person or you don’t follow the same faith as the parents, you may not be picked as their godparent. My best friend chose her sister as the Godmother to her two daughters because her church wanted the Godmother to be of the same faith. Being that she’s Greek Orthodox, her options were limited, yet she was quite confident with her choice.
Should you say something to the parent if you’re not chosen?
My best piece of advice is to not say anything. More likely than not, if the parents haven’t given any reasoning up front as to why they picked someone else over you, they probably don’t want to explain themselves. No one likes having to explain their decisions to most situations, so this is no different.
Also, opening up to being hurt or angry could lead to starting a riff in the family. This could ultimately jeopardize your relationship with the child you already love dearly. So is it really worth it?
If they do give you a reason, respect it. They made their choice and it could be that you’re next in line for the second child, so don’t ruin any future opportunties.
What you should do instead.
Ultimately the title of Godmother or Godfather is simple an honorary title. It doesn’t mean that your purpose in their life any less significant.
Don’t give power to what you think you’re missing out on. Instead of focusing on the lack thereof, which is a title, focus on what you are full of – LOVE. Love that child and treat them like you ARE the Godparent. Would you do anything differently? You’re filled with the desire to be involved in this child’s life, so the fact that you’re missing out on a title shouldn’t prevent you from doing just that.
You can also let them know that you’d love to be considered for the next child (should they have one). In the meantime, don’t take out your hurt feelings on the child you weren’t named Godmother or Godfather to. Treat them like they are your godchild. Love them, take them out to special events, show up to their gatherings, and develop a lasting relationship with them without the title.
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