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Dana Gutkowski
I am the mother of none, but the very proud Aunt to four beautiful children. I did absolutely no work to create them, but I will do everything in my power to help raise them.
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
- How can I be a good aunt? - May 19, 2021
- Aunt Quotes - March 19, 2021
- End Your Silence. Support Black Lives Matter - June 29, 2020
Hello there fellow Aunts and Aunties. Welcome back to Auntieviews. In this volume, I’ll be featuring Perryn Ojevwe. Full disclosure, Perryn is not only a Mother of 3 and an Aunt to 20+ niblings, but she’s also my best friend and big sister. Perryn and I talk about anything and everything. In fact, we talk on the phone so much that sometimes we just stop talking altogether but remain on the phone in silence. It’s weird, but that’s sister life for you. Since I started my quest for fun, loving, and cool Aunts to interview, I thought, why not ask my sister? She’s been an Aunt for a long time, she’s quite active in her niblings lives, and it’s always seemed to me that it’s come naturally to her. It’s funny that even though we talk a lot (seriously, I can’t stress this enough), we never discussed Aunthood with one another. I know how much she cares for her niblings because I can see all that she does for them, but I never picked her brain about how she feels about it. So I sat her down (not really, she’s a working Mom. I had to email her A LOT!) and I got to the nitty-gritty of how she views Aunthood. So let’s get started with The Pern AKA Pepsi, AKA Mommy, AKA Perryn’s interview.
Background.
Perryn was raised in Oyster Bay, New York with me and my brother, Michael. She’s the oldest sibling of us three and also the only one with children. She was an only child for about 4 years before my brother came along and then roughly 2 years later, I popped out. She’ll often reflect on her glory days as an only child and freely admits to despising both my brother and me equally when we were kids. Despite her years of disinterest and disdain, the three of us have developed a very strong bond with one another. We went through our times of fighting as adolescents and short periods when we didn’t speak at all, but that’s just part of growing up. As an adult, I think our lives are fuller when we’re all together.
Perryn got married in 2008 to her longtime, long-distance boyfriend Pius and moved to Maryland to be with him (jerk). She lives there now with her husband and 3 of my niblings, Layla (8), Jayden (5) and Julian (3). My sister and BIL love magic shows, watching America’s Got Talent, and traveling when they can. Perryn loves reading spy novels (cause she’s an idiot – inside joke) and has a natural talent for making beautiful handmade macrame bookmarks. She needs these little pleasures in life because she has a very serious and mentally taxing profession. She’s a Clinical Social Worker. I don’t understand her titled either, but it means she does therapy and provides supervision to other clinicians who work with people with mental illness, sexual behavior problems, cognitive limitation, and a host of other things. As if that’s not tiring enough, she also works very hard raising my niblings. She tries to keep them engaged and active as possible, constantly cooking, baking, crafting, busing them to events and activities, and when she has a free minute, throwing them all in the bathtub for a scrub down. She gives tirelessly both professionally and personally. And yes, that might sound like a lot of Moms, but my sister doesn’t just do this for her own children. She does it for her nieces and nephews too, and that’s why I’ve chosen her for this installment of Auntieviews.
The Interview.
What is your background as an Aunt? How many do you have? How long of you been an aunt and how old were you when you first became one?
I first became an aunt when my best friend had her first daughter twenty years ago. I was 20 years old and my friend lived in Florida while I was up in NY. There was no facetime or skype or anything so I got developed film pics in the snail mail. I would send her silly things in the mail and looked forward to a physical visit once a year or so. Then came my Goddaughter a couple years later, the second child to my friend. She had a third, a son. In 2005 my cousin, who is like a sister to me, had a baby girl. I was 28 at the time. My other bestie had two sons and one I was there for the birth- honorary moment in life. My husband’s side started calling me Auntie from the moment they met me, but I didn’t feel like I was actually their aunt until bonding with the family. In fact, the children were a huge part of my being accepted by the rest of the family. There are now 26 living grandchildren on his side. Three are my children so 23 of them call me Auntie. Whoa! It’s a lot! And we are still growing, and about to have some great nibs on the way as the older nieces and nephews enter adulthood.
How old are your nieces/nephews now?
They range from newborn to 30. There are chunks of them. Ages 0-3 there are 6, 4-12 brings in another14, ages 13-17 has a collection of 5 and finally, 18-30 is 5 more.
It doesn’t matter how your niblings have come into your life, either by choice or relation, but most children refer to us as Aunts or Aunties. What do your nieces or nephews call you?
I’m called Aunt Perryn and Auntie Perryn, depending on which side of the street they are calling from. My side- which consists of my cousin’s daughter who I consider a niece and couple of friends’ children refer to me as Aunt Perryn. My husband’s side calls me either just Auntie or Auntie Perryn. Their culture prefers them to leave off the first name of the adult, but I, quite frankly like hearing my name. I don’t want to be lost to a title, I want my individuality to come through as do I of the other Aunts and Aunties around me.
Do you live close to your nieces and nephews or are you a long-distance aunt?
I live far away and always have. Over the years when all these babes have been born it has been very difficult being far away, but we make up for it when we do see each other.
How do you compare your role as a mother to your role as an aunt? If you can, describe some similarities and some differences.
Similar in that your heart never stops for all of them. You worry, you care, you experience joy, pride, in all of them. Of course (particularly in my case) you are closer to some than others. But all of them, blood or otherwise have moved into a special place and will never be evicted (unless convicted and even then…). With my children I know they see me as an enforcer and that my attention should be on them all the time no matter what. When I see the niblings because I live far away from them all, we are usually doing something social and so my attention can and will be on them for the entire time. I will be offering some sort of craft, baking, or game to do if we are not already at some children like rec place.
What are some of your favorite activities to do with your niblings?
I love to create with them. I like to do group activities with them and watch the glee on their faces. I love buying things for them and doing crafts or games – mostly with the assistance of my sister; whether she introduced me to the game or is right beside me lining kids up to put Vaseline on their noses so they can attach to it a cotton ball at the other end of the room. I also like to have open conversations with the older ones about things that they may not want to discuss with just anyone. I have comfort talking about uncomfortable things with adolescents so I try to be there in that way for them.
When they are little I try to give undivided attention so that they can bond with me.
As an aunt what’s the biggest value you feel you bring to the family?
As an Aunt the biggest value I bring is silliness. I know that is simple, but sometimes we need simple. And baked goods. One thing I bring more as an aunt than as a parent is patience. I believe that I see my children as an extension of self too much and so many expectations can be higher without even realizing it in the moment, yet niblings I see as children in need of guidance and so I provide it.
What is one good piece of advice that you would give it to any new Aunt?
Spoil em. Being an aunt is so rewarding. Respect the parents’ parenting, don’t undermine the parent so you can continue to have a close relationship with the nibbling.
What is one of the biggest difficulties you’ve experienced as an Aunt? How did you overcome it if at all?
When I was a not yet a mother, it was a big battle for me to not judge the parents of my niblings and thought I had better answers to their styles. That was difficult. I probably struggle with that now as well, but on a much smaller scale as I have, for one, matured, and for two, I have children of my own and recognize how challenging parenting and making those decisions can be.
If you go back in time and give your younger and self a piece of advice what would it be? And why?
Stop making rules all the time. I think I lived too rigidly in my earlier years and I would tell myself it’s not necessary to try to control everything around you. That doesn’t make you vulnerable. Things are going to happen regardless of how many barriers you put up around yourself. Deal with it as it comes and roll with positivity. I love the Cheerios commercial- “good goes around and around and around…” I use it all the time now.
I was once told that being a Mom is all cake and being an Aunt is like icing on the cake. How do you feel about that comparison?
Having both roles in my life I understand what the person was trying to say. However, you could say that about being a father (as they tend to take fewer responsibility roles with children), the grandparents as they have raised their children and are now there for the fun stuff, and of course the crazy uncle. I think that person was feeling overwhelmed when she said that. Jealous that she couldn’t pick up and go when she wanted, feeling frustrated because almost everyone loves icing because it is sweet and fluffy, bring happiness. But, I believe, being an aunt is what you make it. If the ingredients you combine in your aunting tole are about injecting yourself into all the layers of the nibbling then you are the cake, the filling, the icing and the scoop of ice cream. Being an aunt is no joke. The way I play it, I step in when a parent is in need or not available. Icing can’t step in for cake!
If you had to compare your relationship as an aunt to a food what would it be and why?
If I were to compare myself as a food to declare my aunthood it would be a marshmallow. I’m squishy and huggable, and yet, I am firm enough to not just succumb. I’m a supportive role, that’s flexible to what is needed.
Final Thoughts.
I hope that you enjoyed reading Perryn’s interview of Aunthood. I realized from interviewing her that she’s been a role model for me as a Long Distant Aunt. We can’t always live close to our nieces and nephews because life sometimes forces us to be apart. However, that doesn’t mean that we Aunts can’t be active in their lives from far away. Little efforts go a long way, especially through the eyes of children. I can tell you as an outsider looking into her relationship with her niblings that she’s their go-to Aunt. When Auntie Perryn is in town they know what to expect: FUN, laughter, and tasty treats!
I’d love to hear from more Aunts! If you’d like to share your story of Aunthood please contact me using the form below!
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