The Hardest Things About Becoming A New Aunt

Becoming an Aunt for the first time is one of the most exciting times in life. It’s hard to describe just how happy you are to welcoming a new baby into the family. Whether you’re an Aunt by relation, or by choice, you’re completely consumed with joy. It’s an honor to call ourselves Aunts.  However, no matter the origin of your Aunthood, there are struggles that will inevitably come along with your new role. 

Know this: These are only struggles, not hopeless circumstances.  You’re not alone. With some effort, there are ways of getting through them. Here’s my list of the struggles with Aunthood and tips to overcome them.

What are the hardest parts of becoming an Aunt?

There are a lot of myths and misconceptions when it comes to being an Aunt. Yes, it’s a fantastic experience and one I’d never choose to give up. It’s truly a gift and a blessing. However, it comes with its own set of problems, guilts, and pain. Being an Aunt is not all sunshine and rainbows. Change is hard. Becoming an Aunt is a change you’ll have to adjust to.

So what will these changes be?

1.) Missing Your Sibling/Friend/Relative

The baby has finally arrived, you’re an Aunt now!  Hooray!  You can’t wait to share this experience with the new Mom or Dad who’s made you into this Aunt! 

Ah, but now the reality of parenting is settling in for them too.  They’re struggling with new responsibilities and trying to pave a new path for their family.  It’s no longer so easy to pick up the phone to chat for an hour or head out for an impromptu adventure.

And when you want to get to spend time together, it must coincide with the child’s schedule.  You’ve now lost the freedom in your relationship and your on-demand friendship.

What can you do about this?

Give it time.  I’ve witnessed my sister, cousins and many friends struggle with Parenthood.  I still miss our old relationships before their kids were born, but I’ve also, fortunately, made new ones with them and their children. 

You can still have your one on one time, but you have to voice your desire for it. They miss you too, but they’re raising a family now and priorities have changed. Never give up on the old relationship, but be open to forming a new one. 

Reach out to them as often as possible and with time, you’ll find your groove again.  This may take several months or even years, but nevertheless, if you stick with them, they’ll stick with you.

2.) Explaining how deep your love is for your nieces and nephews.

The moment you set your eyes on your new niece or nephew, you fell in love. They stole your heart before ever speaking a word. We’ve all heard, “I love them like they were my own”  Yet, when you say those words out loud, people don’t quite get it. 

I hear this mostly from Aunts with no children of their own. Sometimes it’s hard to describe the emotion and put your feelings into words. You say “I love them so much and would do anything for them.” And even then, you’re still met with a blank stare on the other end. People just don’t get it.

What can you do about this?

Let it go.  Forget about the ones that just don’t get it.  Does it really matter if someone understands your love for another?  What truly matters is that you know the truth because you feel it in your heart.

For whatever reason we want EVERYONE to understand, but in reality, they don’t need to.  Don’t hold your tongue when it comes to expressing your feelings.  Express yourself, but do so without the expectation of always being understood. 

If you have a close relationship with your nieces and nephew, they surely know it through your words, actions, and embraces.  It’s more important that your niblings understand how you feel, not the outsiders looking in.

3.) Being so far away and saying goodbye.

This is the worst.  I was a Long Distance Aunt (LDA) for 9 years before my family moved to New York (where we’re all originally from). I had three little people that I loved dearly but that I could only see a few times per year. I think I can speak for most of us when I say the absolute worst part of a visit from your nieces and nephews is when we have to say goodbye. 

You know that there will be a long stretch of time before you get to see them again. Maybe it’s a few months and maybe it’s even a year. The time between visits hurts tremendously. When you realize just how much time will pass before you’ll be able to hug your little ones again, emotional pain turns into a physical one.

What can you do about this?

Try to be strong for the kids if they’re having a rough time leaving.  Once they’re gone, allow yourself to feel your pain and realize why it’s there.  The fact that you’re experiencing grief means that there’s a lot of love between you guys. There is no such thing as love without pain.  

Savor the time that you have together while you have it.  Be grateful that you have these relationships.  The pain between visits can be occasionally muted with phone calls, FaceTime, and sending letters and swapping refrigerator art.  It doesn’t compare to actually being in the same room, but it’s certainly better than nothing.

4.) Letting their parents be parents.

Everyone has an opinion, and sometimes it’s hard to hold yours in even when you should.  I think many women would also agree, the struggle to resist your urge to immediately jump in and “fix” a problem you see occurring (especially if the nibling is crying).   I find this especially true when I see a parent fighting with their child.

What can you do about this?

This is a tough one that requires a lot of good judgment and you won’t always get it right.  Don’t act, react, or butt-in immediately unless it’s completely necessary. 

Parents are going to fight with their children.  It hurts to see your nibling crying, and of course, you want to make it stop, but parents need to parent and sometimes that means letting their children cry. 

If the parent puts the child in time out or sends them to their room, don’t interrupt.  If the argument is more severe because they’re older, or you feel as though the parent or nibling is getting too emotional, don’t offer a solution with a lot of words.  That can make it worse. 

Sometimes they just need a break from one another before they can be reasoned with or an argument can be settled.  Without commenting on the argument, suggest some space.  Offer to go for a walk with one of them or invite one into a different room.  Let them vent if need be.  Sometimes we don’t want advice, we just want to be heard by someone who will listen.

5.) Not Over Stepping Your Boundaries

This is similar to number 4 yet different.  You could be disagreeing with how your niece or nephew are being raised at times. Should you discipline your niece or nephew?

What can you do about this?

Use your judgment and pick your battles.  Good intentions aren’t always met with open ears.  Many times when you make a comment on someone’s parenting style, all they hear is “This is why you’re a bad parent.” 

BUT if you are in a circumstance where you feel like you need to speak up for yourself or defend your nibling, express how you feel without judgment towards the parent.  Just because they’re parents doesn’t mean they’re always right.  Timing, tone, and how frequent your suggestions are made are something to always consider.

6.)  Not playing favorites!

There’s a running joke in my family about playing favorites.  My sister was the first born so she was of course “Daddy’s little girl.” Then came my brother.  My Mom is Italian, need I say more?  And then came me.  I’m nobody’s favorite. 

And although we always joke about this, I can see why and how this happens.  When I only had one niece this was never an issue.  There was no need to compete for my love and attention. She got it all. Everything was about her. 

Fast forward 13 years, and now I have 4 nieces and nephews, ranging in ages from 4-13. I know 4 niblings aren’t THAT many. My sister has 30+ from my brother-in-law’s side. However, it’s enough to make my head spin sometimes, especially when they’re all together.

What can you do about this?

Don’t try to please everyone. There’s no such thing.  And if you try, you’ll wind up pleasing no one (including yourself). 

If they’re all together and one or all gets upset, I’d suggest tending to the one that’s youngest or crying the hardest. Then work your way down. Your attention will be split and your time will be divided, but you just have to make due. There will be many of them and only one of you.

When it comes to “just us” time,  do your best to do something special with them at some point during each year. I try to stick to the motto “If I do it for one, I will do it for all.” but that doesn’t necessarily mean at the same time.

One size does not fit all, but it’s pretty safe to say that they’ll want your time. Deciding on how that time is spent is up to you and your nibling.

7.) Not spoiling them (too much).

I haven’t dug deep into the history books, but I bet somewhere out there there’s a handbook for extended family members.  And if I ever find it, I’m sure that the first rule would be “Give them whatever they want (within in reason).”  Sometimes it’s just hard to say no! Who’s with me?

What can you do about this?

Alright, so we are going to spoil them and they’re going to get special attention from us.  However, parents have to deal with the brunt of it, so we shouldn’t make their lives more difficult. 

Also, you may fall victim years down the road of dealing with ungrateful nieces and nephews. If that’s the case, see How to Deal with Ungrateful Nieces and Nephews.

When shopping for your nieces and nephews, ask for the “ok” before buying anything or inviting them to do anything that might teeter on the scale of “too much.”  I don’t even introduce an idea to my niblings if I don’t get the go-ahead from their parents.  Do I break this rule sometimes?  Of course, because I‘m an Aunt.

I’m an active Aunt, not a perfect one.  I make mistakes just like everyone else.  And even though I wrote the list of struggles, and tips to overcome them, I still struggle.  Life is one big balancing act no matter which hat you’re wearing.  Tackle every struggle of Aunthood one day at a time and be patient with the results.

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