Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
- How can I be a good aunt? - May 19, 2021
- Aunt Quotes - March 19, 2021
- End Your Silence. Support Black Lives Matter - June 29, 2020
Once upon a time, there lived a woman from Long Island named Dana. She was 35 years old, single, childfree, and happy. She didn’t feel guilty about her childfree life because it wasn’t up to society to tell her what would make her happy. It was up to her to find her happiness. And so she did.
Becoming a mother has never been a milestone I felt I needed to reach. Maybe my biological clock has faulty batteries, cause I can’t hear it ticking. I’m only forced to reflect on the fact that I’m in my mid-thirties and childless when someone flat-out asks “Do you want kids?” To which I can only reply, “Maybe, if I’m married.”
I’m not old-fashioned. Nor am I criticizing others for not following societal norms. What you do is your business. I can only judge what’s best for me. Right now, kids, marriage, and even a relationship are not in the cards.
I’m happy. For the first time in a very long time, I’ve put myself first. After spending countless hours in self-reflection, I realized that I gravitate towards men that aren’t ready for lasting commitments. Why? Because deep down neither am I. I used to think it was them, but now I know it was me.
I spent years making sure my partner’s needs were met. But I never stopped and asked myself, “Are you happy?”. I wasn’t. And this wasn’t with one person either. I had been living in the same relationship but with different people over and over. There was a lack of support, trust, respect, and overall satisfaction in my romantic relationships. Sure, all relationships go through their ups and downs and nothing is ever 100% perfect, but mine were different. They were toxic.
While in those relationships, I laughed off passive aggressive comments. I walked on eggshells and thought twice before I mentioned something that was bothering me. And I turned a blind eye to the overall lack of appreciation towards me. I lied to myself and believed that I was doing what was best for me. I also made excuses for them when anyone questioned our relationship because I didn’t want to face the truth. We weren’t right for each other.
I guess you could say I was slapped in the face by reality when a quick google search revealed the guy I had been with for years got engaged while we were still “seeing each other.” Yep, I was unknowingly the chick on the side. I never saw it coming because I was all too confident that I was in the driver’s seat of the relationship.
That was my turning point. I’ve now spent the past few years in detox mode. I rid myself of people (mostly men) who weren’t good for me. The ones who didn’t bring out my best qualities and had me second guessing myself. Once I recognized that and said out loud, “I deserve better.”, I quickly turned my back and never looked back. I meant it. If I wanted things to be different, I had to become different. And I did.
As for kids, I’m glad I don’t have them right now. I was in no place to become a parent and neither were any of my partners.
Though I don’t have the title of Mommy (and I may never), I have a very special connection with the children in my life. In fact, I have a great title that I‘m quite proud of. I’m an Aunt.
I’m someone my nieces and nephews look up to, turn to for nurturing, and whom I love unconditionally. They are my family and they will always come first. As their Aunt, I have the choice of being involved in their lives as little or as much as possible. I choose the latter.
I don’t feel a void in my life. I feel fulfilled. They inspire my creativity, challenge me to stretch my imagination, and motivate me to become a better person. They test my patience and stir up my deepest emotions, but I will always love them no matter what.
Maybe it would be different if I had my own children, but that’s not a concern of mine. I can’t be bothered thinking of the “what if” because then I would miss out on the “what’s now”. Our relationships are special and like no other. There’s only one Bitay and one Aunt Da Da in their lives and both are me.
My heart is whole because of them. So if I never become a Mom, I’m cool with that. I’m single, childfree, and happy.
Love Always,
Dana
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