How To Form A Bond With Kids When You Don’t Get Along With Their Parents

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Dana Gutkowski

I am the mother of none, but the very proud Aunt to four beautiful children. I did absolutely no work to create them, but I will do everything in my power to help raise them.

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What do you do when you don’t have a good relationship with the parents of your niece or nephew, but desperately want to form a bond with the children in your life?

Has there been a divorce or some sort of divide in your family? Are you not getting along with the parents of your niece or nephew?

Feeling unconditional love and having the longing to be a part of your niece’s and nephew’s lives is not uncommon. Many aunts treasure the relationships that they have with their nieces and nephews from the moment they’re are born. Love for a child is usually the easiest kind to form.

All relationships go through their stages of highs and lows. Maintaining a relationship with adults is far different than maintaining them with children. So what do you do when you’re struggling to get along with the parents of your niece or nephew? How do you continue to embrace and nurture a relationship with a child when their parents won’t let you have one?

Unfortunately, there isn’t a single black and white answer to these questions. Every family dynamic is different than the other. However, there are efforts everyone can put forth to try to mend the relationship with their parents AND still foster a relationship with the children.

To the best of my knowledge, there’s no way for you to have a relationship with your young niece or nephew without first going through their parents. Though it might be painful at times and uncomfortable in the beginning, it’s a necessary evil in order to establish a relationship with them. So for the greater good and the years of bliss ahead of you, I suggest taking these steps to initiate the mending of your family wounds.

1. Reach out to the parents.

You might feel uncomfortable doing this, but the only way to be able to have a relationship with your niece and nephew is to also have one with their parent. Until they’re old enough to make independent decisions on their own, you have no other choice but to communicate through their parents. Most people like to avoid anything that’s uncomfortable and take the easy route. It’s also common for us to just assume that something is known.

The truth of the matter is, nothing is known unless it’s stated elsewhere. Reach out to the parents and tell them how you feel. You are trying to open the doors to communication at this point. You don’t need to get into specifics about anything that might have happened between you two. That can happen later on hopefully at a sit-down talk.

Avoid getting too specific or placing emphasis on any one occurrence that may have happened over email or text. People’s words can easily be misconstrued in writing and then your efforts wind up being counterproductive. If you are going to reach out in writing, keep it simple and light.

“I hope everything is going well for you and your family. I’m reaching out to let you know that I love you and <name of the child>. I would like for us to work on having a relationship together.” Use your own words to make it as honest and genuine as possible.

2. Let the parents know you want to have a relationship with their child.

Sometimes emotions get the best of us and we lose sight of what’s important. We also get caught up in the details and forget about the big picture.

If your ultimate goal is to have a relationship with your niece or nephew, then you have to let the parents know just that. Egos have to be pushed aside and you might have to indulge in a bite of humble pie.

If a phone call isn’t an option at this time, reach out via text or email and make your intentions known. I suggest saying something along the lines of “It’s important to me to have a relationship with <name>. I would love to be able to <state a specific activity you’d like to do with the child>. Please let me know if that would be alright with you.”

Keep it brief and short for the time being. A simple, “I’d love to be able to take Katie out for ice cream.” Or, “I’d love to take Tommy to a movie this weekend.” Let them know that your intentions are pure and you’re simply reaching out to spend time with their child.

3. Continue sending letters, cards, gifts, and communicate with the kids.

This next part is important for you to communicate your love to the child, but know that you may not get a thank you call or note from them. You have to give without the expectation of a grand reaction from the child or the parents.

The purpose is so that your actions match up with your words. Anyone can say that they want to be involved in someone’s life, but acting on is something you have to see to believe. Putting forth these types of efforts will let the parent know that you’re serious about wanting to be involved in their child’s life.

Also, sending a card, gift, or letter to a child will be something that the child can look back on as a reminder that you really do love them. Creating those memories for the child is a gift that they will never outgrow. It’ll be imprinted on their hearts.

4. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t see immediate results.

Time heals all wounds, right? But no one ever tells you how long that time will be. That’s because everyone’s wounds are different. There’s no telling if it’ll take a day, a month, or years for the relationship to be repaired.

You might not hear back from them immediately, but that’s not something that you should get discouraged by. Time is your friend. It may take several attempts to get to a place where you can begin to repair your relationships, so be patient. It takes time for people to process their emotions.

5. Repeat steps 1-4

If at first, you don’t succeed, try try again! You might get lucky and have success with your first try, but others may need to make several attempts to bridge that gap.

Remember that you’re not alone. What you may be facing is unique to your life, but common amongst other families. If there’s a desire to have a relationship with your nieces and nephews, it’s important that you don’t stop trying.

It could take until they’ve grown up a bit and have gained some independence from their parents for your relationship to begin. I know that sounds like an eternity, but the efforts you put forth will be well worth the love received by the end of the battle.

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