Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
- How can I be a good aunt? - May 19, 2021
- Aunt Quotes - March 19, 2021
- End Your Silence. Support Black Lives Matter - June 29, 2020
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This past weekend I took my niece and nephews out to a park by their house for a fun Saturday afternoon. It was was a typical experience filled with fun and laughter but also sprinkled with tears and tantrums. Nothing out of the ordinary.
However, as we were packing up to leave, my nephew Jayden spotted someone from his school. J
At first, I wasn’t sure if Jayden was making an assumption about the child based on looks – soft features and long hair, which is typically connected with females. But he told me that the boy goes to his school and they’re in the same grade so he had some
I don’t know anything about this child and I still don’t, so I don’t know if this was a boy who just wanted long hair or if this was a transgender child. But it got me thinking, what would it be like to have a transgender niece or nephew? How could I support them? Would my support matter?
Understanding Transgender
I decided to do some research about transgender youths and also reached out to my sister, Perryn, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and COO of COMPASS Mental Health Consultants for advice.
Here’s what I found out along the way:
What is transgender?
Transgender means that the person identifies with a different gender other than the one they were assigned at birth. This includes boys who identify as girls, girls that identify as boys and children that do not identify themselves with as sex (Non-Binary).
What is gender-expansive?
Gender expansive is a term used to describe children who do not conform to the cultural and societal norms for boys and girls. For example, a girl that likes trucks over dolls and plays sports. Or a boy who loves Barbie dolls and playing dress up. It’s important to note that not all gender-expansive children are transgender, but may they be.
The exploration and studies of transgender children and adults are relatively new. There’s a lot of debate over how soon is too soon to determine whether or not someone is transgender, but there are certain common characteristics amongst transgender people. If the child frequently, persistently and adamantly:
- Insists they ARE the opposite sex
- Refuses to wear and is uncomfortable in clothing typically associated with their birth gender.
- Has the desire to go to the bathroom like the opposite sex, i.e. boys who want to sit down and girls that want to stand up.
- Displays discomfort with their genitals and the desire to have ones of the opposite sex.
When I was a child, I went through a “boy” phase. I only wanted to play with boys, hated dolls, loved playing sports, and I wanted to go to the bathroom like my brother, but I’m not transgender. I knew I was a girl, I just didn’t like “girl” things. As for going to the bathroom, I think I was just having fun.
It’s not a phase for transgender kids. It’s an internal struggle with not feeling “right”. Like your internal persona doesn’t match your exterior appearance. While searching and reading personal stories like Jazz Jennings, the struggle of not feeling right inside seemed to be a very significant indication. Nothing inside me screamed I AM A BOY.
How To Support Your Transgender Niece or Nephew
The process of identifying and determining whether or not someone is transgender is neither easy nor short-lived. If you are suspecting that your niece or nephew is struggling with their biological gender, parents and family can reach out for help.
Resource: Interactive Map: Clinical Care Programs for Gender-Expansive Children and Adolescents
It’s imperative that the child receives proper medical advice and mental health counseling to determine whether or not they are transgender. If left ignored it could lead to mental and physical health consequences, such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or suicide.
Help with their transition
The process of a person transitioning from male to female or female to male will be difficult and longlived. If they are transgender, it’s not something that will be outgrown. Parents and children will need a lot of support with this transformation. While your niece or nephew is the transition from male to female or female to male, Aunts can help them by:
1.) Using the name they choose
Your transgender niece or nephew will not identify with their sex at birth. Therefore, they will most likely change their name to reflect who they really feel they are on the inside. Once they have picked a name, respect their decision to change their name and use it when addressing them to their face and in conversations concerning them.
2.) Using the proper pronoun
If your niece was born female but identifies as a male. Use “He” instead of “She”. Contrarily, if your nephew was born male but identifies as female, use “She” instead of “He”. This is a BIG deal for them. Make it a conscious effort.
Also, remember that they will no longer be your niece if transitioning to male. You now have a nephew. And the same goes for male to female transitions; this is now your niece. The same person you’ve loved since birth, but with a different title.
3.) Don’t genderize colors, clothes, or toys
Don’t associate a color, article of clothing or toy with “for boys” or “for girls”. Pink is not just for girls, boys don’t only play with cars and the only thing about clothes is they should make you feel good.
4.) Verbalize love and support
Tell them that you love them and support their choice to transition. People can feel lonely, unaccepted, and like an outcast at any time. This transition may be scary and will not be easy for them. Make sure that you’re a constant reminder of how much they are loved. You may not know how to support them, so ask questions to determine their needs.
5.) Reach out for support from others going through the same experience
There’s strength in numbers. Find a local support group for transgender families or visit forums online.
You may encounter hateful speech or criticism online, but that shouldn’t deter you from finding your tribe. It’s important that you push through the weeds to find what you’re really looking for.
6.) Read about the transgender journey
A helpful resource I found was a guide from HRC. It specifically focuses on transgender children who have yet to reach adolescences, ages 5-10.
SUPPORTING & CARING FOR TRANSGENDER CHILDREN
7.) Read
Children’s books that tackle this specific subject and that came with great reviews are I am Jazz,
Since children’s books often break down subject matter in a clear and simple manner, it’s a good idea for you to read them too before introducing them to your niece or nephew. They might help you with your struggle to understand what it really means to be transgender.
Purchase it on Amazon:
Purchase it on Amazon:
Purchase it on Amazon:
It’s important for you to remember that this is a process that takes time. The internal struggle that your transgender niece or nephew is experiencing is real and difficult. Be sensitive to their feelings and confusion and educate yourself as much as possible. But most of all, let them know you accept them no matter what clothes they want to wear, what name they choose to be called, or lifestyle they pick. As long as they’re happy, healthy, and at peace with themselves, nothing else matters.
