Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
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Help children hope with the death of a family pet
When we decide to bring a pet into our home, they’re not another creature with four legs. We play with them, love them, feed them, and care for them like they’re family because they are our family.
We fall in love with them the minute we decide to take the in and never stop loving them even after they take their last breath. They hold a permanent place in our hearts forever.
It’s no different for children. My nieces and nephews adore my dog, Newman and view him as their furry cousin. They desperately want their own fur baby, but they’re not quite ready for that. So instead, they help me with him whenever they can. I refer to them as dog owners in training.
Just over a year ago, Newman lost his sister, my other dog, Emilia aka Bug. She was 14 years old and was unfortunately diagnosed with a heart valve problem which lead to a rapid decline in her health. I had to put my baby down within weeks of her diagnosis. It was a tragic loss for both me and my niblings.
As an adult dealing with Emilia’s death was hard to process. She was my little stink, my best friend, and my companion for nearly 15 years. When I suddenly didn’t have her to greet me at the door, join me for some quality time on the couch, or listen to her bark her head off every time I ate a baby carrot (that was her favorite snack), I felt a huge void in my life. There was pain in my heart and tears in my eyes.
Unfortunately, this was a place I had been before. I’ve had dogs in my family my entire life and have had to say goodbye more times than I would like to admit. But for my nieces and nephews, this was their first time dealing with the loss of a pet.
Bug was around when they were babies and so they spent many years loving her too. They’d go with us on walks, play with her, help with feeding her, and of course gave her plenty of treats. My loss was their loss too.
How do you help children cope with the loss of a pet?
This is a very serious and personal decision you have to make when deciding how to proceed and handle the complicated emotions associated with death. I can’t tell what’s right or wrong. I can only tell you what has helped me and my nieces and nephews deal with the loss of my dog.
Help ways to help children grieve the loss of a pet:
1.) Always tell the truth
When Bug passed away my sister and I told the kids the truth about what was happening. She got very sick and there wasn’t any medicine that could make her better. We tried everything possible to help her, but there wasn’t anything more we could do.
I didn’t lie to them and say that Bug ran away or that she had to go live with someone else. We were honest because they deserved to know the truth. Lying to kids will only hurt them more later. Too many white lies will ultimately lead to them not trusting you.
Everyone has to face death and loss at some point in their life. There’s no reason to be harsh or graphic, but the truth should be told in order for them to start learning cope skills.
2.) If you have a belief system, turn to it
Our family is not overly religious, but we do believe in God and heaven. She’s not with us, but she’s also not alone.
What turned out to be a very helpful tool for us was telling my niece and nephews that Bug was now in Heaven with their Pop Pop. We used that as a way to ease their pain and ours.
3. Practice patience
It’s not uncommon for kids to ask the same question over and over again when they’re having trouble processing the information. This was especially true for my nephew Julian who was only 2 at the time of her death.
To this day he still asks, “Where’s bug?” “Can I see Bug?” Initially, it was hard to hear, and I’d be lying if I didn’t get a stabbing pain in my chest every time his innocent face asked to see her. However, he didn’t understand that she wasn’t going to come back. And now that it’s over a year later and he’s still asking about her, there’s a certain comfort I get because it means that he made a lastly impression on him. She was one of kind.
Sometimes we react to pain with quick responses and short tempers. Know that kids aren’t repeating their words to hurt you. They’re having a hard time grasping the subject. Be patient with their lack of understanding and be sensitive towards their feelings. They’re still learning.
4.). Share memories and funny stories
One of the best ways to cope with loss is to shift your focus from the immediate hurt to happy memories. Your memories might still make you cry, but they’ll also make you smile.
Shares stories about your pet with kids. What’s something that happened that you remember either before they were born, or during their time together. This might even inspire them to share a memory or two of theres. It’ll be something to bond over.
5.) Make a memories box together
When our pets leave us, we still have the stuff we used to help care for them as well as photos.
Make a box of memories together. Put their collar, name tags, photos, favorite toys (nothing perishable like food), and have them draw a picture to add inside the box. When they feel sad, look at the pictures, touch their toys or collar and connect with them again.
6.) Read them a story about losing a pet
I didn’t take this approach personally, but I know others who have turned to reading books to their children after or right before their pets have passed. Ones that they found very helpful were, Fairy Dog Heaven and Dog Heaven.
Check the out on Amazon here:
Dealing with the loss of a pet is no easy matter to handle. If you have the opportunity to speak with kids before your pet passes away, I highly recommend it. It will take them time to process the information both before and after your pet has crossed over the rainbow bridge.
You might want to start off with one of the books I recommended and then go from there.
