Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
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Do you think that your brother or sister are overprotective parents to your niece or nephew? Do you find that they try too hard to shield them for the ugliness of the world? Or do they overly paranoid about them getting a scratch or a bump? Are they not allowed to go outside for a bike ride with out a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, ski mask, and bubble wrap?
Here are some signs that parents might be overly protective of their children:
1.) They micromanage everything that their kid is involved in.
If the parent is constantly hovering, correcting, and interjecting their opinions on how something should be done, they’re micromanaging.
Are they horrified by the very thought of their child making a mistake, so intervene to ensure their success? That’s micromanaging.
What does this teach the child? Not to trust themselves or their abilities.
Having been raised in this manner by my own parents, I’m very familiar with the effects it can have later on in life. From self-esteem to confidence, it bleeds into every aspect of my life and causes nothing but anxiety. It’s not something that you just snap out of either. It takes a lot of work to build yourself up to where you feel like it’s okay if everything isn’t perfect.
What should you do if you see this happening with your niece or nephew?
Communicate your concerns, but don’t pass judgment. Speak from your past experiences. Use “I” statements and offer insight into how micromanaging has effected you in adulthood as a result of your childhood. No one wants to be lectured and told what they’re doing wrong, but offering insight on how you were micromanaged MIGHT make them reflect on their own actions.
Don’t expect immediately results. The only thing that you have control over is your words and reactions. If they take your words into consideration, great. However, ultimately they are the parent and they call the shots. You have to respect that line and not cross it.
What if your niece or nephew comes to you for guidance on this manner later in life?
If you niece or nephew are now teenagers and have started to pull away from their parents, you can offer support on the topic. When parents micromanage it often leads to rebellion and sometimes lying. Kids are going to do this anyway, but it may be magnified if they’re kept on a tight leash while growing up.
As their Aunt, you can be their open ear, their supportive shoulder, and hopefully their guiding light. There’s no full proof plan. They might pull away from you too. What you should do is never give up. Everyone makes bad decisions at some point or the other, including you and their parents.
2.) They do EVERYTHING for them.
From brushing teeth to cleaning their room, everything is handed to them on a silver platter.
Yes, children have to be taught HOW to do these things, but that doesn’t mean that it should be done for them. By cleaning up after them and not giving them the responsibility of doing it on their own, they’re not learning independence. They’re learning dependence.
I had no idea how to do laundry until I was away at college. It’s not that I didn’t want to do my own laundry, I wan’t allowed to which lead to me never learning. My mom had a system, and she got upset if it was disrupted. So none of us ever stepped foot in the laundry room.
Eventually I did learn how to do laundry so I’m not helpless, but it did set me back.
What should you do if you see this happening with your niece or nephew?
You can’t control what’s happening under the roof they live under. However, what you can do is enforce responsibilities while they’re in your care. Give them age appropriate chores while you’re babysitting or while they’re over for a visit.
My niece is constantly asking to buy things, as much children do. So instead of just handing her $5, I allow for her to earn. I give her little chores to do like washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, or walking my dog.
3.) Not Letting Them Fail
No matter how hard we try, we are all going to fail at one point or the other. So they didn’t make the soccer team? So they were fired from their first job for showing up late one too many times? And they didn’t get asked to the prom by the one they had a huge crush on. Everyone has been there.
Failure is part of life, but some parents go to great lengths to never see their children fail. They call in a favor, have a “talk” with the boss, and play match maker to ease and sooth their child’s pain.
What is this teaching their child?
It’s offering up the false sense of reality that they’ll always get what they want, even if they don’t deserve it. When has that ever worked for anyone?
What should you do if you see this happening with your niece or nephew?
Let them fail in your presence. Teach them something new that they might not be good at and allow them to stumble. An Aunt is a supportive figure in the family. So instead of stepping in and fixing the problem, offer guidance on how they can do better.
It doesn’t need to be a huge life lesson, but allowing them to fail and then talking to them about your personal failures will help them. They’ll be looking up to as a role model. If a role model can fail and still be successful at something else, it’ll show them that failing is not that scary.
All failures are learning experiences.
Parents who are overly protective of their children are coming from a good place in their hearts for the most part. They want their children to succeed, to feel the joys of accomplishment, and to have to struggle like that did when they were growing up. What they might be overlooking is that all the bumps, bruises, failures, and chores made them a self-sufficient. That’s the ultimate goal of growing up.
It may be hard to see when you strongly disagree with their parenting styles, but ultimately how they choose to raise their children is their responsibility. You don’t want to be the overly protective Aunt, do you?
At some point you have to back off, be patient, and offer support whenever possible. The best Aunts are there to help, not to cause additional problems.
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Thank you my aunt and uncle have a toddler who is naturally curious and mischievous like all are. But are way beyond strict. He isn’t allowed any tv privileges at all until I think kindergarten and he will only be allowed to watch some lame Christian network. He will be homeschooled and he is feed the keto organic awful tasting mush. It infuriates me even more that his parents just leave him with my sick grandmother. The poor kid is living in a bubble and his parents aren’t really around. He also will be homeschooled until high school and is… Read more »
Hi Sebastian, I’m happy to hear this was able to help you a bit. Best wishes and I hope you’re the support your cousin needs throughout his life.