How to Deal with Ungrateful Nieces and Nephews

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Dana Gutkowski

I am the mother of none, but the very proud Aunt to four beautiful children. I did absolutely no work to create them, but I will do everything in my power to help raise them.

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Do you have nieces and nephews that are ungrateful? Do they open gifts and toss them aside? Or ask questions like “Is this it?

Do you feel like you’re not appreciated and valued by your nieces and nephews? After doing something nice for them, are you left feeling like your efforts were taken for granted?

If so, you’re not alone. Many Aunts have expressed their frustration with feeling unappreciated by their ungrateful nieces and nephews.

It’s common and normal for children to go through an ungrateful phase in life. Everyone has gone through a “me” stage at some point. It’s part of growing up. You might not remember a time when you were self-centered and bratty because it was short lived and you grew out of it. However, the adults that raised you surely saw you go through it.

The University of Rochester Medical Center explains it quite simply enough for us to understand. It doesn’t matter how smart they are, or how mature they are for their age. The prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that responds rationally and has an awareness of long term consequences, isn’t fully developed until age 25.

Essentially, that means there could be a lot of years of dealing with selfish and emotionally erratic behavior. They’re not horrible people, they’re just acting their age, like your sassy tween niece.

However, just because they’re acting their age, doesn’t mean that you can’t plant seeds of gratitude inside their brains. You don’t have to throw up your hands and blame it all on their age. Take proactive steps towards helping them understand and appreciate what they have in life.

1.) If you give a lot and seemingly get nothing in return, STOP GIVING

You don’t have to stop giving gifts to them altogether, but you don’t have to give as often as you do either. Lots of Aunts love to spoil their nieces and nephews. Sometimes you can’t stop yourself from picking up a little gift or treating them to ice cream. It’s part of the joys of Aunthood.

Though, if these little gifts and treats are all adding up to the price of feeling unappreciated, and something that’s just expected of you, then that’s not a good sign either. Givers attract takers.

To prevent your face from being associated with someone that just gives, hold off until it’s a birthday or holiday. At that time you may be able to spend a little more (or save a little more) than you normal because you didn’t drain your wallet on tons of small things.

2.) Teach them the value of $1

It’s always a good idea to try to instill good habits and awareness of the cost of living. Everyone wants a child to learn the value of a dollar. However, it’s also important that they don’t become fearful at the same time by speaking negatively about it.

My niece, Layla, and nephew, Jayden have piggy banks at my house. When they come for a visit they often ask if we can go shopping, but disguise it by saying “Can we go on an adventure?” I rarely say no, because I love shopping, but I’m also not a millionaire.

To keep a balance between my bank account and their wants, I have them earn the money that they’re going to spend. If they want to go shopping they can help me do little chores like cleaning dishes or picking up dog poop. I obviously have to do these things anyway, but if they’re willing to help, I’m willing to pay. 

It helps them understand that work and money are to be respected. It also aids in appreciation for what they’re buying because it’s not just handed to them, it’s earned.

3.) Don’t Over React

Remember the prefrontal cortex I was talking about? Make it a conscious decision not to let your emotions get the best of you too. Take a deep breath and a step back. Remember their age.

Don’t take everything personally as if it’s a direct reflection on how they feel towards you. It’s likely that it’s a development issue.

4.) Talk it out with them or their parents

Depending on their age, they may or may not be able to actually understanding how their behaviors affect other people. It’s okay to tell them how their actions are making you feel, but know that it might not sink in.

Use “I” statements and don’t point fingers. A lot of times when we talk about our feelings we place blame on the other person. This then leads to the other person becoming defensive and guarded because they’re being attacked. That leads to creating more problems as opposed to finding a resolution to the first one. Instead of saying “You make me feel unappreciated.” say “I feel unappreciated.” There’s more power in that statement.

Approaching their parents can be a good thing if it’s for awareness purposes. Parents won’t be able to control every behavioral issue. So “telling” on your niece or nephew won’t solve your problem. But, it’s important for their parents to be aware, especially if it happens frequently.

5.) Check in with yourself

If you find yourself overly emotional and sensitive towards this topic, try to look inward instead of outward. Are these feelings rooted in something else? Are your emotions being triggered by something in your past?

Sometimes our problems have nothing to do with other people and have everything to do with ourselves. It takes a lot of work to dig into the deeper meanings of problems, but it’s often worth it.

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