Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
- How can I be a good aunt? - May 19, 2021
- Aunt Quotes - March 19, 2021
- End Your Silence. Support Black Lives Matter - June 29, 2020
When your baby niece was first born you may have been looking at her in awe. She was a perfect little being with so much potential who could do no wrong. She smiles at you when you arrive at the door, greets you with hugs and kisses, and is totally elated by your mere presence. You’re best buds and you want these moments to live for eternity. But alas, time passes, she begins to mature and before you know it, she’s hit her tween years. Her hormones start to kick in and with them comes the attitude! We’ve all been there. So how
Before you even try to answer that question on how to handle a sassy tween, let’s first think back to when you were a child. You went through that period in time when you were testing your boundaries with adults. Everything irritated you. You became too cool to do certain things. Fights with siblings were an hourly occurrence. But now you’re on the receiving end of it. Sucks, right?
How did your parents and extended family handle it? Did they take the “I’m an adult and what I say goes!” approach?? Or were they a little calmer about it? Where you came from will certainly factor in on how you’re going to handle your sassy tween niece when you get your first eye roll followed by a “whatever” response
My two nieces are currently in this stage of “finding themselves”. One has already passed her
Here are 6 things that I do with my niece and try to keep in mind when the sass rears its ugly face.
1.) Don’t treat them like an adult. Treat them like a human.
It seems like kids can’t be kids these days. They are constantly exposed to A LOT of material thanks to the internet and social media. But just because they see it, hear it, and sometimes repeat it, doesn’t mean that their brains are ready to handle it. They may be talking like they’re 18 and ready to leave for college, but they’re not. They’re in 5th grade and mimicking a YouTube personality. It’s important to step back and remember their biological age before you start reprimanding them.
If you think the answer to their sassiness is to shield them from TV and the internet, I’d have to disagree with you. Creating a taboo only piques their interest more and could lead to them lying and holding back (which could really bite you in the butt later years).
They don’t necessarily know the severity of their words all the time so it isn’t fair to hold them to the standards of
If it’s a first-time occurrence, explain simply that that’s inappropriate to talk to you like that. Since so much information is thrown at them, you won’t necessarily find out where their new-found vocabulary stems from, could be YouTube, could be the bus, could be their parents. All that matters is that they don’t speak to you like that. And if it continues, and it’s not something that you can manage on your own, their parents should be told. It could be that what they’re watching should be eliminated, but not the entire internet.
2.) Validate their feelings, but don’t let them get away with the crime.
I have gotten into spats with my nieces before and even some bigger fights as she matures. Who hasn’t? But that doesn’t mean that we can’t kiss and make up when it’s all said and done.
It’s important that we acknowledge where the anger or sass is coming from. “I understand that you’re frustrated right now, but that doesn’t mean you get to speak to me with that tone.”
No matter your age, everyone wants to be validated, but it’s also not a permission slip to act however you want to act. Let them know that you are aware of why they’re behaving in that manner, but also make it clear that they need to cool it with the tude.
For example, I just recently got into an argument with my niece over snow boots. We had just gotten our first big snow storm of the year, and I was going to take my niece and nephews out to go sledding. Everyone was dress and ready to walk out the door, but my nephew didn’t have snow boots. It came out that he had been using (with her permission) his sister’s boots but she just found out that these particular boots weren’t mean to get wet so she didn’t want him to use them. This turned into the fight of the century over a simple pair of used boots. Granted she didn’t want her belongings to be ruined, but it went over the top with “you don’t get me!” “nobody listens to me!” And then she began putting down her brother. She couldn’t get out of her anger, was yelling at me, stomping around, taking off her snow clothes, and refusing to listen. Even after we found a pair of boots for her brother, she refused to apologize, so I did what was necessary. I left without her.
It was unfortunate that it had to come down to that, but I couldn’t let her think that her behavior was deserving of a reward. She stayed home with her mom and several days later we had a very long talk about it. I heard her out because she wasn’t raising her voice to me, and she eventually apologized for her behavior. Getting there was no walk in the park, but we got through it.
3.) Don’t take it personally.
Easier said than done, I know, but it’s the truth. They don’t love you any less because they are giving you an attitude. In fact, they probably love you a ton and that’s why you’re getting such poor treatment. When we’re the most comfortable around people is when our truest colors come shining through. Lucky you, but it’s just one of the seasons of life. It won’t last forever.
Don’t give up on the relationship because you’re going through a hard time. Accept that this is where they are in life and help them navigate through the storm. It’ll make your relationship stronger when you come out on the other side.
Clinical Social Worker, Perryn Gutkowski, LCSW-C of Compass Mental Health Consultants says:
“There is a bit of a power play going on here that is overlooked because the adult expects to remain the apple of the child’s eye, when biologically and socially the child is getting cues to start working on leaving the nest. Most important is for the adult to remain supportive of the tween/teen through these years so that when the bond they had is needed, it’s still intact.”
4.) They’re not too old for a time out.
Time outs are usually associated with toddler meltdowns, but they can be used for older kids too. I don’t like to make them think that they’re babies so I don’t call it a time out. We refer to it as taking a breather or taking a break. Adults
We all allow our emotions to get the best of us sometimes. I don’t care who you are, no one is that zen. And the people that claim to be that way probably haven’t gotten their patience tested from a screaming 11-year-old who’s having a bad hair day. The strongest willed people voluntarily hang out with children.
When I’m around a child that’s older and having the same type of meltdown that they had when they were 2, I simply tell them to go take a break. And when that doesn’t work and they’re defiant, I up the ante and threaten to take something away or not allow for certain privileges unless the break is taken. There’s no reasoning with anyone when they’re that emotional. After they’ve calmed down is when we’ll sit and chat.
5.) Ignore It
Sometimes there’s a real problem that needs to be addressed, and sometimes it’s just attention-seeking behavior. What I mean in terms of your niece, sometimes she’s giving you an attitude so that you’ll give her attention, even if it’s negative attention. The best thing you can do is identify it and ignore it. You might even call her out on it, but don’t engage the behavior past that. Let her know you’re not going to speak to her until she changes her tone of voice or calms down from her anger. Leave the room, leave the house, drop her off at home, but don’t fight back.
6.) Be an adult not another bully on the playground.
Adults have power over children, sure, but that doesn’t mean we have to abuse it. Children need good examples, don’t stoop down to name-calling or over-punishing because you want respect.
I’m not saying don’t raise your voice, but I am saying use a raised voice when appropriate. Children will become tone deaf and desensitized to your words if your first response is to always yell.
7.) If at first, you don’t succeed, try try again…and again and again.
I wish I could tell you that
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