Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
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There are things to avoid doing in front of children to set the best example.
As Aunts, we are parental figures and role models to our niblings. It’s no secret that children soak up their surroundings. What you might not realize is that as their Aunt your behavior matters sometimes just as much as parents.
You may not live in the same house, but they are looking up to you to see how to act. Therefore, we have a responsibility to watch what we say and how we act.
I’m not throwing this out there to come across as perfect or flawless. I have a potty mouth and I’m not ashamed to admit it. However, since becoming an Aunt I’ve also become more aware of what I say, how I say it, and who’s in front me when I do.
In a perfect world, we’d never do anything wrong, regardless of who’s company we were in. However, since that’ll never exist, let’s focus our flawed reality. When we become aware of our mistakes, we can make efforts to do better. That’s all we can really ask of ourselves.
It’s important to put your best foot forward and keep in mind that there are some things that children shouldn’t be exposed to. They’ll learn about all the ugliness in the world on their own as they get older. While they’re young, they’re entitled to their childhood of innocence.
Here are 6 things to avoid doing in front of children to set the best example.
1.) Speaking badly about family members.
Let’s face it, family is annoying. We love them, we hate them, and then we love them again. Sound like your family?
Is your sister-in-law passive aggressive? Or is your brother a poor communicator that never makes plans with you?
I get it, these are infuriating attributes. However, kids don’t need to hear about all that adult stuff. It plants a seed in their head and may drive a wedge into your relationship.
The problems that you have with your siblings, in-laws, and extended family members are just that – your problems. Everyone needs to vent and blow steam about family dynamics, but the kids shouldn’t be in the room when you do it. Leave the room and call a friend or text another person not directly related to the situation at hand.
This also applies when they get older and start to complain to you about their parents. Don’t add fuel to the fire by letting them know all the things that you don’t like about their parents too. Instead, listen and offer advice on ways to resolve the problems.
2.) Lying.
When I say lie, I don’t mean the white lies that we tell because the truth is too complicated to explain like “The park closes when it rains.” Or “I have to go to work.” when you’re really headed out on a date that night.
Sometimes lying is necessary because otherwise, you find yourself trying to explain a complicated issue to a child that they’re not ready to hear. I am however shunning bold-faced lies.
Say you take a child out for the day for some QT and lose track of time. You check your phone and see 12 missed calls from her Mom because you were supposed to be back at 2 for a birthday party and it’s now 2:30 and you’re still out shopping together. Yikes! Own up to it.
DON’T call the Mom and say that you left your wallet in the store and you’re running late cause you had to turn back and get it. The child is now hearing you lie to another adult and therefore learning that it’s okay to lie. Fess up to the truth. Apologize for losing track of time, and get the child home safely.
You can’t change what has already happened, you can only take responsibility for it and hope to do better next time. That’s the lesson that we should be teaching kids. Lying only gets you into more trouble.
3.) Body shaming yourself or others.
Body shaming is an infectious disease. People do not need to fit into a mold in order to be considered attractive. Sure, there are some that will be blessed and others whose wallets were deep enough to pay for it.
There will be attributes that you wish you had, but that doesn’t mean that you’re any less attractive because you don’t have them. I’m a firm believer of “Beauty is within the eye of the beholder.”
We want to teach children to have a good self-image. How could they have a good self-image if they hear you constantly putting yourself down?
Many women obsess about how we look, what we eat, and the numbers associated with our clothing. We’re overly critical of our appearance and the appearance of other women.
Social media doesn’t help with this need for perfectionism, but there seems to be a shift moving toward the movement of a mindfulness and self-love.
I encourage you to hop on that train and see where it takes you. You may want to read this article from Psychology Today on healthy practices toward such a lifestyle.
We are human which means we make mistakes and are inherently flawed. Learn to love your flaws, forgive your mistakes, and encourage kids to do the same. Perfectionism is a concept, not an attainable reality.
4.) Say You’re Gonna Do Something and Don’t.
The children around you are going to look up to you to see how it’s done. So if you’re not doing it, but you said you were gonna, guess what’ll happen to them later on in life?
Following through with our intentions and setting a good example is crucial for adults to do around children. Setting goals and following through with them in not only important for adults, it’s important for kids too!
Click here to learn about how to help kids set goals and achieve them!
5.) Speaking negatively about money.
Everyone wants a child to learn the value of a dollar, but it’s also important that they don’t become fearful of it at the same time.
Sorry Biggie, but mo’ money doesn’t mean mo’ problems. You already had these problems, and acquiring money did solve any of them. Money is not the root of all evil. Money is a resource.
More money can mean more responsibilities. We can enjoy the freedom that money offers us as long as we’re responsible with it. Nothing to fear there.
Click here to learn about a helpful resource on teaching kids about money!
My niece, Layla, and nephew, Jayden have piggy banks at my house. When they come to visit they always ask if we can go shopping, but disguise it by saying “Can we go on an adventure?” I never say no, because it’s fun to go shopping, but I’m not a millionaire so I can’t just throw money around.
So, I have them earn the money that they’re going to spend. If they want to go shopping they can help me do little chores like cleaning dishes or picking up dog poop. I obviously have to do these things anyway, but if they’re willing to help, I’m willing to pay.
I think it helps them understand that work and money are to be respected. And they also appreciate what they’re buying more because it’s not handed to them, it’s earned.
6.) Cursing.
I guess it may seem like a no-brainer for some people. But for others, it may be a struggle not to curse.
Let me explain this one from my foul-mouth’s side of the story. It might be cultural, geographical, or even my own parent’s doing, but regardless of its origin, I’ll admit that I use curse words.
I embellish stories by cursing. When I accidentally drop a raw egg on the floor, an automatic “shit!” will fly out of my mouth. And when I find something funny, I’ll often refer to the situation as “f@%#ing hysterical!” That’s who I am, and I’m not ashamed of it. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to control it either.
Cursing is not sinful. It doesn’t make you a bad person. However, there’s a time and a place to use them. It requires a certain maturity to understand that and to learn when and when not to use them.
Cursing can be quite disrespectful if used in the wrong context and in front of the wrong people. Children have little discretion and often no filter, so it’s never okay for them to use them. It’s not about being judged by others, it’s about setting a good example for their age.
Children mirror our behaviors and repeat like parrots. It’s nothing to be ashamed about if you do let one inadvertently roll off your tongue. Simply apologize for using a bad word, and state not to repeat it. You don’t want your nibling going home and saying “WTF, Mom?! I don’t want to go to bed!”
If you want to learn where your shortcoming may lay, don’t look in a mirror. Instead, start spending time with children. They’ll mimic your behaviors, repeat your words, and give you a great insight into your soul. Respect their naivety and preserve their childhood. And like I said before, if you make a mistake, acknowledge it and then make efforts to do better next time. If not for yourself, do it for the children you love.
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This is an interesting list and some of the things I think we do without even thinking about it like talking about money or dieting.
Thank you, Susan. I often have to catch myself because it’s easy to fall into those patterns.