Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
- How can I be a good aunt? - May 19, 2021
- Aunt Quotes - March 19, 2021
- End Your Silence. Support Black Lives Matter - June 29, 2020
I’m Cool With That
There are some people who know that they want kids. Becoming a mother is or was a no-brainer. “Of course I’m gonna have kids.” That’s cool.
Then there are others who know for a fact that they don’t want them. “I have nothing against kids, but I just don’t want any of my own.” And that’s cool.
Then there are others like me, unsure if they want kids, but open to it. “Maybe someday.” And that’s cool too (for me).
Becoming a mother has never been a milestone I felt I needed to reach. Maybe my biological clock has faulty batteries, cause I can’t hear it ticking. I’m only forced to reflect on the fact that I’m in my mid-thirties and childless when someone flat-out asks “Do you want kids?” To which I can only reply, “Maybe, if I’m married.”
I’m not old-fashioned. Nor am I criticizing others for not following societal norms. I can only judge what’s best for me. Before allowing any of my eggs to hatch, I would first need to build a nest and create a family environment to raise my chicks in.
However, I’m nowhere close to having that right now. After spending countless hours in self-reflection, I know why I gravitate towards the men that aren’t ready for lasting commitments. It’s because deep down neither am I.
I used to think it was them, but now I know it’s me. Yet, who knows what tomorrow will bring. I can only live my life as it comes, one day at a time.
Though I don’t have the title of Mommy, I do have a very special connection with the children in my life. In fact, I have a great title that I‘m quite proud of, I’m an Aunt.
I’m someone my nieces and nephews look up to, turn to for nurturing, and whom I love unconditionally. They are my family and they will always come first.
As their Aunt, I have the choice of being involved in their lives as little or as much as possible. I choose the latter. I don’t feel a void in my life. I feel fulfilled.
They inspire my creativity, challenge me to stretch my imagination, motivate me to become a better person and remind me that life doesn’t have to be so heavy. They test my patience and stir up my deepest emotions, but I will always love them no matter what.
Maybe it would be different if I had my own children, but that’s not a concern of mine. I can’t be bothered thinking of the “what if” because then I would miss out on the “what’s now”.
Our relationships are special and like no other. There’s only one Bitay and one Aunt Da Da in their lives and both are me. My heart is whole because of them. I always thought love at first sight was for fairytales, but then I became an Aunt. So if I never become a Mom, I’m cool with that.
I love it!! Permission to share!
Love it!!
Thank you!!!
Of course! More than welcome and encouraged 🙂
I wish my niece and nephew lived closed than a four hour plane ride. I am a hands off Aunt, not because I want to be but distance makes it very hard to stay in touch, and while skype is awesome, hugs are better.
I feel similar! i don’t have kids and not planning to have one! the idea is simply not inviting nor the feeling of motherhood. and im not really kid person too, once in a while is not too bad
Thanks for sharing Patricia!
My two older kids were “accidents”. I was young when I had my first so I was kinda making it up as I go along. But I stepped up my game when I had my second. And from then on, I knew I was born to be a mother. Now I have 3 kids and although there are moments I’d rather be childless (I say that lovingly hehe), I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Also, I just have to say that, you don’t have to be a mother to be one, if you know what I mean? 🙂 Aunts… Read more »
Yes! I definitely know what you mean.
I don’t want to give birth, but I want to adopt! My sister is adopted and I’ve always wanted to build a family that way!
That’s wonderful Kara! So many babies need loving homes.
This post was really touching, I think it is great that you are a brilliant Aunt. Children are a huge commitment so I am sure one day you will decide either way if that is for you, in the meantime you are blessed with love in your heart for your nieces and nephews 🙂
I am a mom, and I love this post! One of my best friends is 100% sure she does not want kids, and if she were she said she would adopt which I think is fabulous. Some people don’t want kids, and that is wonderful. WE are all different and live different lives and who are we to judge other’s choices.
Exactly Jessica! Thank you! There’s no one plan for everyone!
I never really thought about marriage or kids. I wasn’t one of the little girls that started planning their dream wedding at the age of five. But, I fell in love, traveled the world for a few years with my husband and then decided together that we would try for kids. I am a mother of two. However, I also love my title as aunt and spoil my nieces and nephews rotten.
Congrats Autumn. You never know what life will spring on you.
I have one son and that was enough for me. Kids are a lot of work! Kudos to you for your honest post. My sister who is now in her fifties never had kids and for her that once the right decision. She loves her life and like you are close to her nephew.
This was a great read. I’m not a mom but I miss my nieces and nephews ( I live in a different country to them).
This is very beautiful and touching.. a completely different perspective on motherhood and maternal love. You’re courageous and a very good writer 🙂
Such an honest piece! Everyone is different and we should be proud of our choices and the freedom to do what makes us happy.
I really want to get married and have a family of my own. I know that it is not something that everyone wants and that’s OK
Thank you for being so open about things! I’ve always felt the same way and it’s nice to see there are others who feel like that! I never understood how people can simply want children. I can only think of wanting children with a person I’m very much in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with!
Yeah we don’t all fall into one box. It’s often taboo for women to say they don’t want kids. As long as we’re honest where’s the harm?
I knew in my heart that I wanted to be a mom. It was my only actual life goal. I can completely understand the choice to not though, especially after having kids.
You sound just like me before I had my little guy. I had envisioned being married, but really never considered kids. Not that I don’t love them, it just wasn’t on my radar. I was a “if it happens” kind of person, but certainly not in a rush. I think that mentality is a way of protecting yourself in the event biology doesn’t cooperate. Great read!
It took me a long time to decide that I wasn’t interested in being a traditional mom. When I was about 36, I finally had the revelation that I didn’t want to have kids. I was recently back on the dating scene, and I was completely uninterested in dating anyone with kids or who wanted kids. This is when I had my ah-ha moment finally. I think I would like to foster in a few years, but I really enjoy my life just the way it is right now.
I always know that I wanted to be a mom. I’m a proud mom of two beautiful kids and I won’t change it for the world. Everyone has their own opinion and I’m cool with that.
I was the girl growing up that was not going to have kids! Ended up having 3, they are all grown now and they are some of my best friends. I think everyone just needs to do what is best for them, when it is best for them! I’m glad you aren’t at a point where you feel like you need to even start thinking about it yet – when the time is right, it’ll be right…if it’s ever right! Congratulations on just being able to be you and know yourself.
I never wanted a kid as I felt I wasn’t prepared to take care of another human being. But now it’s very difficult to stay away from her even for few hours. I strongly feel you should never say no as life is mysterious. Don’t Judge. Do whatever makes you happy 🙂