How To Stop Being Unappreciated By Family

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Dana Gutkowski

I am the mother of none, but the very proud Aunt to four beautiful children. I did absolutely no work to create them, but I will do everything in my power to help raise them.

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What do you do when your family takes your for granted?

Are you the go-to in the family? The person that everyone turns to when they need help? From a “quick” favor, babysitting, advice, money, etc. Does everyone turn to you for support?

Does it seem like no matter how much you continue to give, they still act as though you never give enough? Do you find that your family puts up a fight or gives you a guilt trip the minute you say no to ONE thing? These might be signs that you’re not being appreciated.

When you feel unappreciated, it is as if all your efforts you put forth to make someone else feel happy or safe are ignored. You now feel invisible.

You want to be there for your family, but you also don’t want to be taken for granted. So how do we tackle this very issue without feeling like a failure or causing a family feud?

What do you do when you’re feeling unappreciated and taken for granted?

Say NO

Saying no to the family is much easier said than done. Trust me, I’m right there with you. I was raised in a codependent household, and saying no to family was unheard of. You were expected to be there for your family no matter what. Boundaries were not properly modeled.

However, now that I’m in my late thirties, I’ve spent time getting to know myself and have exploder endless self-help techniques to help break the chains of codependency. You can’t expect change to occur without action, so it’s time for you to start.

Begin by incorporating the short yet strong word, “no” into your vocabulary. Not just no, but “no, I can’t.” “No that doesn’t work for me.” Your voice needs to be heard! They won’t be able to ignore you. The mere shock of hearing no from your lips with perk their ears right up!

This will begin (yes, just begin) to set up healthy boundaries. The problem is that you, I, we, are too available for the people that need us. They don’t respect your time, your energy, or your emotions. They just think you’re a bottomless well of giving. And you are if you can’t say no.

This is hard, but also necessary for your sanity.

Stop playing the role of the victim

This is more of a mindset switch. The problem isn’t just them, it’s you too.

People walk all over you and don’t appreciate your efforts because you allow them to. You set the standard in every relationship for what you’re willing to tolerate.

Many preach about self-love and think that it’s about treating yourself to a manicure, buying something expensive that you’ve wanted for a long time, or taking a day off of work. Yes, that’s all true, nice, and good, but you’re still neglecting yourself if you can’t take care of your emotional needs. Treating yourself like you’re number one (cause you are), nurturing your emotions, and tending to your needs should be the first thing on your to-do list every morning.

Setting boundaries for what you’re willing and unwilling to tolerate is a crucial ingredient to a healthy relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s with your friend, husband, or family member, boundaries are hard lines that need to be established.

Where are your boundaries? What time are you setting aside for yourself that no one else can be included in? If you don’t know, that’s okay, but you have to set something up for yourself. Knowing where your lines are prevents you from letting other people cross them. Pull back on the reins and let them figure it out without you. You’ll thank me later.

Let out your steam

When you’re feeling frustrated, upset, or angry it’s important to let the air out of the bag. Holding it in will only eat up your insides and lead you to more undue stress.

Phone a friend, or someone you’re close to that’s not directly involved. Vent your frustrations and release your woes so that you’re not holding on to them. Or my favorite, write a letter and burn it. It’s okay to complain, in fact, it’s good because then you vocalize where a problem exists. However, after the realization is made, it’s important to then take action. Complaining without action just leads to more unhappiness.

Start appreciating yourself

Part of the reason why you don’t feel appreciated is that your actions are not acknowledged – by you or by others. So instead of looking to someone else to fill up your cup – fill up your own.

What do you appreciate about yourself? What do you do for yourself and for others that you admire, respect, and feel proud of? I used to practice this by writing in a gratitude journal, but now I’ve realized that my emotional woes are deep-rooted and I’ve moved on to EFT tapping with The Tapping Solution App. I don’t start work, or lift a finger to help someone else without first taking care of myself. You can use it for free, or pay for the year in the app. I don’t receive a commission for promoting this product, I just simply love the results I’ve been getting and I recommend every at least try it for free.

Another free resource is the Adult Chair Podcast with Michelle Chalfant. She has a series of podcasts that teach you about your inner child, tending to your child, and nurturing needs so you can find your voice.

Lead by example

Start showing appreciation towards others in order to get appreciation in return. What has someone done for you that you appreciate? Tell them that you appreciate it.

It can be as simple as holding open a door for you on your way into a store. “Thank you, I appreciate it.” Or a larger gesture like helping you move. No matter if it’s free or paid, the words “Thank you, I really appreciate all that you’ve done.” will open the door for more appreciation to come your way.

Accept that they may never change, but you can

You don’t have the ability to change others. You only have the ability to change yourself. A book that was very helpful for me and recommended by my sister, a licensed clinical social worker (LMSW) is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

With the help of this book, I was able to recognize my tendencies and make efforts to change MY behaviors.

Feeling unappreciated by family is a terrible feeling. I can relate since having dealt with this is the past, present, and what I can only predict to the future. However, having acknowledged that I feel this way, I have implemented these very same suggestions I’ve given to you.

I’m not always perfect at it. There aren’t any magic spells that’ll solve every last problem of feeling under appreciated. Yet, they are tactics that have helped me and improved my relationships.

Improvement takes time, effort, and patience. The most important thing you can do to implement change is to never give up. You may not see change overnight, but you will see change over time.