How To Become The Cool Aunt

Becoming an Aunt and subsequently, the Cool Aunt, is a rite of passage that many women will be lucky to experience in their lifetime. We aren’t the moms. There’s no moral or legal obligation for us to be present in their lives.

Rather, our role exists as a matter of choice. Being an active and positive female figure for our nieces and nephews means they will grow up with more than just their parents as influencers and supportive figures. There’s strength in numbers.

Being an active participant in their lives means they will have the potential to become stronger individuals as they grow up. A strong female who plays an active role in their niece and nephew (niblings) lives is what I call the Cool Aunt.

I have been a self-proclaimed Cool Aunt for 13 years now. It all started when my cousin gave birth to Lola (my niece by choice). Then some years later, I was gifted with three more beautiful niblings, Layla, Jayden, and Julian from my sister. I’ve committed a good portion of my life cultivating a unique relationship with each of them and adapting to their needs and interests as they have grown.

So how do you become the Cool Aunt?

Becoming the Cool Aunt takes time and dedication, but it’s achievable for everyone. Every child will be slightly different in how they connect and bond with their Aunt. However, there are certain universal truths and guidelines for starting your journey to Cool Aunt status.

1. Start young.

The easiest way to establish that you’re someone to be looked up to is to be present in their life starting from a young age. Ideally, this with begin when they’re babies. If they constantly see your face, hear your voice, and feel your loving touch, a bond will immediately begin to be formed.

To read more about bonding and attachment click here.

2. Be their friend no matter their age.

Once they become active little people, the best way to get to know them is to be their playmate. Age doesn’t matter. We all like to play in our own way.

Toddlers are highly active and sometimes unpredictable. They’re fickle little critters, so be ready for that going in. Get down to their level and play with whatever they’re playing with. This may change every 10 minutes or so but on the upside, you can save a little money and cancel your gym membership. Toddlers are a workout all on their own.

As they grow into preschool and school-age years, they’ll take more interest in coloring, drawing, crafting, playing sports, and creating make-believe games, etc. Wherever their interest lies, so should yours.

• Listen to their music
• Play their games
• Watch their shows and movies

Once they become tweens or teenagers, they’ll most likely have their “thing” figured out. If they’re musicians, ask them to play you a song. If they’re artists, ask them to make you a picture. If they just love playing video games, ask them to teach you how to play. The common theme here is to make them a priority. That’s what all Cool Aunts do.

3. Spend time with them – without their parents.

People tend to act completely different when they’re around their parents, no matter their age. I’m a 36 years old adult and when I’m with my parents, I’m not the same 36-year old I am I with my peers.

It’s a good idea for Aunts to spend time with niblings away from their parents. You’ll get to know each other in a way you couldn’t if their parents were around.

When they’re young it’s easiest to do this by babysitting. However, when they get older and no longer need a caregiver, you can spend quality time with them in different ways. For example, you might want to take them out for ice-cream, get a manicure together, or offer to be their ride when they want to go somewhere. It’ll give you some time to chat so you can see what they’re up to these days. What’s going on in school? How’s it going with their friends? How are things with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Etc.

Also, if you have the means to, invite them to your house for visits and sleepovers. Showing initiative that you want to spend time with them makes them feel special. In addition, it gives you another tally mark in the Cool Aunt column.

4. Be adaptive in your relationships.

When you have several niblings, no two are exactly alike – even if they’re twins. Most likely their ages will vary in age and so will their interests. For example, my nephew Julian LOVES his nerf guns and could play war with me all day. However, my other nephew, Jayden is really into playing video games and watching other people play them too. Instead of trying to get everyone to play the exact same game, or even a game that I like, I split my time with both. Chances are one of them is going to take interest in the game anyway because kids will go wherever the action is, but nevertheless, make the conscious effort to divide your time.

When you find yourself completely disinterested in the activity, suck it up and do it anyway. It’s only temporary. My nieces Layla and Lola were really into Barbies, but I’m not a girlie girl. It wasn’t something I took to naturally as a child or as an adult, but I played with them because they wanted me there. Even if what they like isn’t your favorite thing to do, try your best to put in effort so they associate your presence with someone who engages with them.

5.) Stay open-minded.

Much like the world is different from when your parents were growing up, it’s the same for the kids now. How annoying was it to hear the judgmental, “When I was a kid…” when you were a kid? Don’t be that Aunt. Play along with how the world is operating now instead of being stuck in past.

Let them be who they are – not who you want them to be. Even if you’re a younger Aunt, the internet, social media, and cell phones have all changed the way we communicate.

If they have an Instagram account, follow them and like their pictures. If they’re on Snapchat, watch their stories and start conversations. But be wary of over commenting. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Is this too much?” – it probably is.

If they have a cell phone – text them regularly. Yes, I said text, you’re most likely going to get the best response that way. Share a funny meme, let them know you’re thinking about them, but avoid the group text with their Mom. No one likes group texts.

6.) Take a queue from the late George Michael – Listen without prejudice.

Without a doubt, at some point, you’re gonna hear things that you don’t want to hear. There will come a day when an uncomfortable conversation comes about like, dating, bodily functions, fighting with parents/siblings, changes in their bodies, etc. There’s bound to be something that’ll make your eye twitch. Cool Aunts will just let them talk.

It’s better that they come to you to confide in and to seek answers from a person instead of Google. They’ll probably still look up things like “How do I divorce my parents?”. However, Google isn’t going to wrap its arms around them or dry their tears when they’re upset. Cool Aunts have answers like Google, but with emotional support. You’ve been where they are. Don’t judge them for needing to vent, be the open ear they’ve been seeking.

7.) If you’re a Long Distance Aunt – Get creative.

There’s no reason why long distance Aunts can’t also be Cool Aunts. I was a long distance Aunt for 9 years before my shrimps moved to New York. Now they live 10 minutes away from me. Yes, it takes more effort to be involved in their lives when they live far away, but it was an investment in your relationship that is the most important.

I found ways to stay connected to them like FaceTiming for Dinner, exchanging refrigerator art through the mail, writing letters to them as Santa Claus, sending voice notes at bedtime. All those little things add up. There’s no such thing as I can’t because we’re far away. You can if you put in the time. Here are some ideas in my post on 10 Smart Phone Activities To Bond Long Distance.

Check out the letters from Santa on Zazzle:

Santa Claus Postcards
by Dana Gutkowski

8.) Play Games!

Playing is one of the best ways to bond with children. See my post on 20 games to play with kids!

When in doubt, always turn to play. A game that I love playing with my nieces and nephews is called “Would You Rather”. It doesn’t require free space, money, or loads of energy. You simply ask each other to pick between the lesser of two evils. Would you rather wear a scarf made from dirty gym socks every winter? Or not have a permanent itch on your back that you’ll never be able to reach and scratch?

There’s no getting around picking an answer. You have to choose one! It’s guaranteed to 1.) bring lots of insight as to how you both think and 2.) Bring on loads of laughter each time you play together.

Grab your 20 FREE Would You Rather Questions

9. It’s better late than never.

If you haven’t had the opportunity to get to know your niblings from a young age, don’t lose all hope. People form relationships at all different stages in life. Some people get married and inherit big families. Others may have separations that cause them to be away for extended periods of time.

It doesn’t matter when you start. What matters is that you make the efforts to form a relationship. The biggest determining factor in Cool Aunt status is having the desire to have a relationship. If there’s a will, there’s always a way.

If you enjoyed this post you might also like:

10 Reasons Why Having An Aunt Is So Important In Your Life

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