Dana Gutkowski
Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)
- How can I be a good aunt? - May 19, 2021
- Aunt Quotes - March 19, 2021
- End Your Silence. Support Black Lives Matter - June 29, 2020
Whether you’re childless/childfree by choice, or by chance there are many “of age” women out there who don’t have children.
Even though we don’t have kids to claim as our sons and daughters, we do have ones to claim as our nieces and nephews. Like many Aunts, I play a large role in my nieces’ and nephews’ lives. That doesn’t make us childfree. It makes us non-parents. No, we don’t have children of my own, but we are pleasantly surrounded by many!
It doesn’t matter if you’re a family member, friend, or stranger, there are just some things that nonmothers should never hear. I’ve put together a list of things that Aunts often hear, but wish we never had. So if you’re in our company, please avoid using any of these phrases.
Just because words are backed with good intentions, doesn’t mean they’re any less painful.
1. “You don’t know what love is until you have a child.”
This could quite possibly be the rudest thing you could say to any nonparent. For starters, you don’t know their backstory and the reason behind her not having children.
What if she wants to have one, but can’t? Or maybe she’s suffered through miscarriages, false positives, or has an underlying health issue that prevents pregnancy?
Maybe it’s simpler than that. What if she doesn’t want them? That doesn’t make her a bad person. Nor does it mean she’ll never feel loved. Our lives aren’t lacking anything because we don’t have children of our own.
Secondly, this may have been true for you, but it’s not true for everyone. It’s too personal to state as a universal truth.
Love comes in many forms. There’s love with for a significant other, parents, siblings, extended family, pets, etc. However, there’s also love in a separate category, love for children. Our love is equally as important for everyone in our lives.
They all feel different in our hearts and none should be deemed as better than the other. I can firmly state without reservation, that I hadn’t discovered the feeling of love for a child until my niblings were born, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know what love was beforehand. IT was just different.
2. “When are you having one?”
Many Aunts can relate. You’re at the 10th baby shower of the year, and you get approached by a grandparent, great aunt or even worse, someone you’ve never met. Since the topic of babies is on everyone’s mind, they feel it’s appropriate to dig deep into your personal life. “When will you take the “Do Not Disturb” sign off your uterus?”
They probably won’t use those exact words, but that’s exactly how awkward it feels to be asked that question. Um, maybe someday. And maybe never. Frankly, it’s none of their business. It makes little difference if you’re coupled or single, (though I think more childless couples may hear this comment), it’s rude to pry into someone’s private life like this.
If someone wants to open up and tell you their thoughts on having children, then listen with an open ear and without judgment. And if you want to ask questions, tread lightly on this topic.
However, if you can’t, let them have their privacy. Children are a big commitment. There’s no end to motherhood, so it’s not a decision everyone can make at the blink of an eye. And there are plenty of other things you can ask that don’t have anything to do with children.
3. “You’d be a great Mom.”
I’m sure the person thought this was a compliment, but I view it as a left-handed one at best.
It’s insulting for two reasons.
First, you’re probably saying this because of how the Aunt is interacting with children. However, by disregarding her present self and status as an Aunt, you’re taking away from her loving efforts. Whether the intention is there or not, she’s hearing “Your love is less significant because you’re not a Mother.”
Second, what if she has the burning the desire to become a Mother, but can’t have them? Or, the opportunity just hasn’t presented itself? You’re pouring salt into a wound and reminding her of this emotional hardship.
Instead of speaking in future terms, compliment her on who she is and not who you think she could be. Say to her, “You’re such an amazing Aunt.” Or, “You’re really great with kids.”
It feels good to be acknowledged for your efforts. Saying she’d be a great Mom when she isn’t one can come across as passive-aggressive. If you’re wearing red today and I said you to you “You always looks so beautiful when you wear green.”, I’m not actually complimenting you. I’m gently implying that I don’t approve of your choice.
She’s being who she is, a woman that loves her niblings, so praise her for what you see her doing, not for who you think she could be.
4. “You don’t understand, you’re not a Mom.”
Yes, we do understand. If you’re an active Aunt, teacher, nanny, pediatric nurse, or child care provider, you’ve made the choice to surround yourself with children. Therefore, you know about childhood development. You’ve taken on the role of Mom more than once in your life but without the pregnancy woes. It doesn’t matter if that’s not your title, you know Mom pain. And maybe that’s a contributing factor as to why you’re a nonparent. Who knows?
One thing is for sure, once a child becomes your responsibility, your life becomes different. You feel the kid’s pain, you’ll experience emotional difficulties that you didn’t know existed, and you’ll face guilt that’ll tear up your insides. On the other hand, you’ll feel new kinds of joy and discover just how strong of a woman you really are. You can do all this without ever being called Mommy.
5. “You’re lucky you don’t have kids.”
Maybe you’ve made this statement out of frustration for your current circumstances. The child is having a meltdown in the frozen food aisle of the local supermarket and the President of the PTA passes by with a judgmental half smile. I’ll give one free pass on this one. But it’s not something that should be repeated often.
From the woman who is a nonparent by choice – there’s no luck to be considered. She made a decision that was best suited for her life.
From the woman who is a nonparent by chance – she’d happily put herself in your shoes to fulfill her desires to be a Mom.
We are lucky to be part of loving families with children in them.
6. “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?”
I feel bad for the kids on this one. If one of the motivations for having children was to have a built-in caregiver, that’s sad. If you’ve been blessed with a supportive family and the day comes when you as ailing parents need help, I sincerely hope that your children are there for you. However, it’s not reason enough for us to become Moms.
My father lost his Dad at 11 and his Mom at 23. He didn’t have elderly parents to take care of, but he did take care of his Aunts until their last breath. They didn’t expect anything from him, he did it because he was raised with the mentality that family comes first. I hope that if someday I need help, that my niblings will do that for me too. However, I don’t have the expectation that they will and neither should parents. We have no idea what life has in store for us.
7. “There’s always adoption.”
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with adoption, but it’s also a very personal decision. It’s a beautiful choice to make if it’s the right one for you.
However, it’s also not a new invention or trend on social media. There aren’t any breaking news stories about how adoption is now available to the world. Everyone knows it’s an option, but it’s only an option if you deem it to be one.
By saying this to someone who doesn’t have kids, it assumes that they want children and that their only way of having them is to adopt (as if you’re a fortune teller).
There’s also an undertone that their life will matter more if they’re a mom. It’s not about the act of adoption, it’s about overstepping boundaries and commenting on someone’s life without asking what they want to begin with.
These are all statements, questions, and comments that myself and other Aunts have heard throughout the years. If you’ve never uttered these words to another woman than I praise you for your sensitivity. However, if you do hear someone asking these questions or chiming in with comments, I encourage you to interject and change the topic. They’ll thank you for it.
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