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Dana Gutkowski

I am the mother of none, but the very proud Aunt to four beautiful children. I did absolutely no work to create them, but I will do everything in my power to help raise them.

Latest posts by Dana Gutkowski (see all)

• How can I be a good aunt? - May 19, 2021
• Aunt Quotes - March 19, 2021
• End Your Silence. Support Black Lives Matter - June 29, 2020

We’re much more than icing on the cake.

I was on a call with a woman recently speaking about my positioning as an Aunt entrepreneur.  At one point during our conversation she said to me “Being a Mom is all cake. And being an Aunt is like being the icing on the cake.”  I was immediately offended.

I don’t think she was intentionally trying to offend me, but I was annoyed by her comment.  This woman is both a Mother and Aunt.  I guess that’s how she would describe her relationship with her extended family, but it’s not how I would describe mine.

This bothered me for two reasons.  For one, I hate icing.  I know there’s people out there who LOVE icing and would rather have it in place of the cake.  But ya know what?  That’s not me.  It’s too sweet for my taste buds and I find myself eating around it at all costs.  Actually, I’d prefer it to never made another appearance on my plate at all. But besides that, choosing icing to symbolize my role as an Aunt minimizes my significant purpose.  I’m not less important because I’m not a Mom.  I was pissed.

Though my blood was boiling inside, I didn’t lash out at her.  Like I said, that’s probably how she recognizes HER role as an Aunt.  However, I did like her dessert analogy in terms of relationships.  It got me thinking.  What kind of dessert describes me as an Aunt?  Then it hit me.

I’m a brownie.  Brownies are the perfect blend of sweet with a hint of salt, much like my personality.  They come in larger or bite size pieces, which describes the amount of time I spend with my niblings.  And lastly, brownies can be offered at the dessert table as a delicious option alone or along side a piece of cake.  My sister and I are BOTH delicious people.  Now that sounds much better than icing!

Michelle Tsang

I think as Aunts, we’re sometimes overlooked.  Not necessarily by family members, but mostly by those that are outside of our circle. My family knows that they can turn to me at any time as a trusted caretaker to my niblings.  I’m there for them no matter if it’s a quick phone call, short visit, long visit, guidance, reprimanding, nurturing, or babysitting.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve become an Aunt by relation or by choice.  What matters is as Aunts we have the ability to offer some of the best and most trusted support to our families (sorry Grandmas).  Of course, there must first be desire, but once that’s established, we’re an invaluable asset.

We’re confidants and role models that can be looked up to in addition to parents.  As Aunts, we provide a safe place for our nieces and nephews to vent and explore new boundaries within our trusted relationships.

I remember when I was about 10 or 11 years old playing the game Taboo with my Aunt.  She was trying to get me to say “off” by throwing her arms up, pushing away air, and shouting out word after word.  But that’s how every Italian woman explains anything, so it wasn’t a very good clue for me.

Anyway, the time ran out and she excitedly said “IT WAS OFF!”  Without giving it any thought, I calmly replied: “Why didn’t you just say f*ck?”  It was a word that was thrown around a lot in my house, but I wasn’t sure if it was okay for me to use it.  WHOOPS!  I quickly learned it wasn’t.  The smile on her face faded, her eyes bugged out, and she went silent for a few moments.  That’s how I knew I had stumbled onto some truly taboo territory.

Why am I sharing this story?  Because I felt comfortable enough to test the waters with my Aunt.  Thankfully she didn’t yell at me or tell my parents.  I learned it wasn’t a word to keep in my vocabulary (at least not as a 10 year old).  It was a mistake that stayed between us.

The analogy of brownie vs. cake falls short in terms of needs.  Who really needs a dessert?  But regardless, no one, including me, will ever deny the importance of Moms.  Moms are there 24/7 to raise their children.  They’re the number one source for nurturing, feeding, playing, correcting, and everything in between.

The purpose of an Aunt is much different.  We’re there as back up.  Most of our time is spent without our niblings, but when needed, we’re right there ready to jump in to take on any of those Mom roles.  That’s why we’re a stand-alone dessert and not just icing on the cake.

What type of dessert do you see yourself as?  Let me know in the comments below!

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